I struggle with crippling guilt and embarrassment

Crippling embarrassment after apologizing

I struggle with crippling guilt and embarrassment from my actions. Sometimes just mistakes or crossing a boundary I should have easily recognized will leave me tormented for weeks. I recently did something I can't believe I did. A few years ago I ran into the mother of a boyfriend I had for a month in my freshman year of high school. To me it wasnt a big deal. Later, in highschool, I had gone out to prom with his younger brother four years down the road strictly just as friends because he was funny and in my class and i just wanted to be with friends. 20 years later... their mother was shocked that she ran into me and let me know how much drama I created in her house between her two sons. I don't know her so I don't know if she was rebuking me or laughing at the situation. She was being nice to me and I suppose we both recognized this was decades ago... but I had no idea how my actions hurt their family to the point that even the mother recognized me and said something... maybe she was just amazed to run into me. Anyway, I always wanted to apologize if I had the chance but didn't seek it out.

I havent thoight of it since that day really... but recently it came to mind when one of his best friends sent me a hello. I thought perhaps it would be a good opportunity to relay my apologies for the arrogance and selfishness of my younger years. I decided why not just apologize and reached out to his mom on facebook instead and even sent 2 messages ... then realized that i should just go through the friend. I unsent my messages but she could still see i sent them and deleted them... i proceeded to go through the friend...

He was nice but thrown off and kinda ignored me. It was awkward. I thought i owed my HS boyfriend an apology but really I may have just been dealing with my own guilt. This all caused me to feel further shame and guilt for bringing something up from so long ago and the guy must think im crazy... and because I couldnt truly unsend the messages i deleted my facebook altogether in hopes that she wont see it before its gone ...i want to get rid of it anyway....

I realized that we are all in a relationship with God and others to process such things and with those around us it is good to apologize to restore and continue relationship... but for these things in the past it is best to leave them undisturbed. Apologizing is a way of cintinuing a relationshio in some sense. I'm glad she let me know how I affected her sons anyway.

Now I just feel alot of shame and embarrassment.

On the other hand, although I would be thrown off i wouldn't mind if someone apologized to me for some traumatic things even in grade school. I personally wouldn't be thrown off but I can see that it's not typical or normal to take ownership fir things deep in the past.

I did this once before. I had treated someone sho took me on one date very badly and apologized to him after he was married. His wife talked to me about it and said I didn't do anything wrong... though I certainly did... I was able to apologize and I'm glad for that even though it was very awkward too. Maybe it just has to do with how bad the guilt is for me...