Not sure how to communicate to my [29M] wife [28F] about sexual differences.

TLDR: My Christian wife and I were sexually repressed due to our upbringing. We struggled a lot with sex in our marriage, and I hurt her by lying and hiding porn and masturbation. Things have gotten incredibly better since months of therapy, but I am worried about progress continuing. I'm not sure if we are just sexually incompatible, or if we just aren't communicating well. Or if I just need to continue to be patient.

This is going to be long. I am trying to give as much detail as possible. Part of me is writing this because it helps me process my feelings.

My wife and I are in our late 20s (F and M) and have been married for 6 years. My wife and I were both raised Christian and so we are both slightly stunted in certain areas emotionally and mentally. Throughout our entire marriage, our biggest issues have been sex and vulnerability and communication with sex. Neither of us have been fully satisfied with our sex life and we have been completely blind on how to move forward. Almost everything else about our marriage is fantastic. We love and support each other. To put clearly, we are not separating. We love each other deeply and will do what we need to in order for our marriage to thrive.

I've always been a sexual person. I found out about masturbation when I was 11 or 12 and since then masturbated regularly. It wasn't soon after that I found porn and starting using that as well. In the past, I would have said that I had an addiction to porn. I used it almost daily and would masturbate. As you can imagine, due to my Christian upbringing I developed an unhealthy view on masturbation and porn. I was constantly guilty about what I did, and I felt that I couldn't stop. I never brought this up to anyone in my life. I met my now wife in high school. When we dated, we were physical but never had PIV sex. Each time we were physical we felt immense guilt due to our Christian upbringing. We vowed to never be physical again, but of course couldn't keep our hands off each other. This continued all until we got engaged. We both made a real promise to not be physical anymore until we got married. We felt like it would help our marriage be better if we could keep ourselves way from each other (logic). We kept the promise and got married.

Our first year was rough. I expected that we would have sex constantly. I envisioned our entire honeymoon spent having sex. I thought we would do it daily, multiple times. I did not have any expectations from porn. I didn't expect anything wild. Just vanilla sex but highly frequent. My wife did not have those same expectations. While we did have sex, it was not as frequent as I would have liked. I did not communicate this well to my wife. I pouted about being constantly rejected. I never verbally blamed her, but I'm sure my actions spoke more than my words. I absolutely never forced or tried to guilt trip my wife into having more sex with me. I literally cannot be aroused unless I am sure my wife want's it. This actually caused some problems for us because I would go soft if I thought she wasn't enjoying it, even though she would clearly tell me that she was. When my sexual needs (of course, at the time didn't believe in sexual need. I thought it was a compulsion and something I shouldn't do) were not met (and when I failed to understand and communicate my feelings), I turned back to masturbating. Eventually, I started using porn again too. I kept this from my wife. We had discussed my "porn addiction" while we were dating, and I told her I was going to stop, which I did. We never discussed it again. Deep down, I knew my wife would not be happy if she knew I was masturbating or watching porn. My wife has only masturbated a couple times in her entire life. I wasn't sure why, but I just figured she wasn't the type of person to masturbate. Anyways, after about a year it finally clicked in my that this was my life now and my sexual expectations with my marriage would not be met. So I stopped having "the talk" with my wife. I stopped pouting. I just tried to initiate sex whenever I thought it might happen, and deal with the rejection privately. We had sex maybe once every week or two and it was just fine. I continued masturbating and sometimes looking at porn, but less so with the porn.

Fast forward to now. About 6-8 months ago, I admitted to my wife about masturbating and that I had used porn while we had been married. She took it really really bad. She considered it almost as if I had cheated on her. It was rough for me and a huge wake up call. I immediately stopped masturbating and stopped using porn. My wife and I got into marriage therapy with a female Christian therapist (wife's request). This therapist has really rocked our world in more ways than one. Our therapist is very sex positive. She was the first person to tell us sex was a need and that masturbation was not wrong. We talked privately, and she helped me understand that I was a teenager. Of course I masturbated and looked at porn. It's natural. At first (and perhaps still today), my wife began to feel guilty. Like it was her fault that I masturbated and used porn in our marriage. She wasn't sure why she didn't want sex as much as I did. She enjoys sex a lot, but her libido is lower than mine. We've since learned that we carry a lot of baggage due to our Christian upbringing. There's so much my wife and I need to talk about, but we don't know where to begin or how to start. Being vulnerable and open with sex is completely new to us.

In the past few months, my wife and I have grown tremendously closer. She is still dealing with a lot of pain and hurt from what I did to her, but slowly opening herself up to me more, and I to her. Our sex life has gotten insanely better. We have sex 2-3 times a week, sometimes 3-4 times. When we have sex, we look into each other's eyes. We keep the lights on. My wife touches me and shows that she desires me. She wants to orgasm more times than once. My wife has begun initiating more frequently. We talk and laugh during sex. When we have disagreements or feel hurt by the other person for some reason, those conversations are starting to get better. We can talk about sex now without it feeling like one person is blaming the other. It truly has been a wonderful growth.

Despite the growth, I still have some fears about our marriage and I know she does too. When it comes down to it, we just feel sexually incompatible in some ways. When we have sex, it is fantastic. We are completely compatible in that area. The frequency, openness, expressiveness, and "creativity" is where we are different. When it comes to frequency, I worry that once we get comfortable and busy with jobs again, our sex life will die down. I will need to initiate and get rejected again. I am horny at different times than my wife. To put it frankly, I want to masturbate to the thought of my wife but I can't due to the boundaries we have put up in our relationship. When it comes to openness and expressiveness, we struggle to communicate how we feel about one another sexually. The other day, I asked my wife what about me did she find sexually attractive. It took her tremendous effort but eventually she told me. She felt incredible shame and didn't understand why I wanted to know. Her answer wasn't even odd. She told me she liked my arms. With the amount of effort it took her to tell me that, I worry she will never be able to be as open about her desires as I'd like. I want her to tell me what she likes and doesn't like. I want her to tell me if we are watching something on TV and something turns her on. I want to know if there is something I do (or don't) that she finds sexually attractive. I want to be able to tell her all these things, but I can't because I worry I will hurt or worry her. We are so closed off from each other's desires, sometimes I wonder if she has any at all. When it comes to masturbating or my sexual needs, I don't know how to bring that up without crushing her. There are times that I am horny and want to masturbate. I will never do so during a time she desires me. It will never affect our sex life. It will never affect my desire for her. It will never lead me to cheat on her with another woman. How can I communicate this to her?

I do not want to leave my life. I am committed to her and to our marriage. I love her so much, and want to continue to build a life with her. But I need for us to be more vulnerable and open with sex. I am getting to the point to where I think I will need the ability to masturbate sometimes without causing her pain or worry. I want her to desire me, and to tell and show me that she does. Please know, I am fully aware and sorry for lying to her all these years. I know the hiding is what really caused the most pain. But, I also feel like we can have a healthy sexual marriage where masturbation is not viewed as negative. I'm definitely not trying to introduce porn into our marriage, but I would like for her to understand that I wasn't comparing her to other women. I would never have slept with any other those women, or any other woman ever. I am not a cheater. She is the only woman I ever want to be with.

Sorry. I know that was a lot. I am going through somewhat of a sexual awakening after being repressed all these years due to my upbringing. I am trying to process the pain I caused my wife, while also recognizing the way I have thought about sex is unhealthy. For those that read this, I would love to hear your thoughts. We love each other and want this to work. Our relationship is amazing in every other way. What can I do to communicate to my wife better?