I don’t know how to break up and I feel so guilty 32F and 39 M

My whole relationship with this person has been chaotic for many reasons. I have tried to end it so many times and every time I come back. Some background/ red flags I ignored: he has a restraining order against him From his ex for choking and grabbing her. He was not convicted of anything to my knowledge. He claims this did not happen and that she was angry at him over their divorce so she made it up. Their relationship sounds very toxic as a whole and I don’t know her at all so I don’t know who to believe on that. He claims that she was physically and psychologically abusive towards him. He has a history of calling me names and saying very misogynistic things. He has blamed me for things I had no control over (ie him losing a job). He has in the past asserted thT I don’t deserve the job that I have because i probably have sexual favors to get it and I’m incompetent. I ignored all of this in the beginning and I have no good reason for doing so. He has a high view of himself - he basically thinks everyone wants to have sex with him. He is good looking - I just have never met anyone who thinks this of themselves. He has no friends or hobbies. He doesn’t seem to have a lot of altruism- helping people doesn’t really occur to him. He claims to desperately want kids but he gets mad at them easily. He seems obsessed with pregnancy. It makes me feel weird lately.

All that said, There are parts of our relationship that are wonderful. He can be very kind and romantic and it was what attracted me to him initially. We have a strong sexual relationship. But it does seem like it’s all he wants to talk about. I don’t feel like he cares about having deep conversations

I have gone through periods of trusting him and feeling better about the relationship, and I was at a point where I felt very positive. His behavior had been better. He had stopped exploding and calling me names and saying horrible things to me. He stopped all the behavior I wanted him to stop.

And then he got mad about something unrelated to me and freaked out. He exploded and screamed about it for half an hour. He was inconsolable. And I felt terrified even though it wasn’t directed at me. I went completely quiet and I realized I was crying without consciously realizing it in the moment. Again, it was not directed at me, but it was as if everything went dead inside me. He claims he doesn’t realize that he yells.

Since then I’ve felt so uneasy and nervous about this relationship, and I feel like I’ve strung him along. He’s accused me of that in the past.

I need to leave. I don’t want this anymore but I feel like a liar for not ending it long ago. I want to send a text and ghost but is that wrong? I just don’t know what to say because he has never accepted that it is over. He has posted horrible things about me online, threatened suicide, and other things that disturb me.

Please help I’ve been here so many times.