Courage to not do it

Everyday feels like a chore right now and I have lost all my hopes and ambitions. I so badly want to take the easy way out but I never can. I've had a close friend of mine consumed by this thought and I promised to myself, however hard it gets, I'm not going to do this to the people around me. At the very least, I cannot do it to my family.

It is so hard right now and I just keep thinking of breaking that promise. I want to open up to the people closer to me but I just cannot and was never able to. I used to bottle it up and at some point just purge it all but now, I don't even get angry. I just feel sadness and disappointment. I don't feel happy with the things I generally enjoy doing. I can't even get myself to cry.

I just hate it here now but I hope I get the courage to not do it.