Not a Dino Billionaire was Stirring: Reviews of the (best) worst in Weird Holiday Romance

I wanted to post this before the holidays, but then my partner got on a cleaning kick so that we could use our new robot vacuum and mop overlords, which meant this didn’t quite happen. So, it’s Christmas/Hanukkah in January. Whatever. Enjoy.

What better to celebrate the holidays than some quick-reviews of the (best) worse holiday-themed bizarre romances. So, grab yourself some slightly expired eggnog and peppermint bark or some doughnuts and latke and strap in because its about to get WEIRD.

Note: There is a total lack of Kwanzaa erotica available, and I suppose that we should all be grateful for that.

Ravaged by the Gingerbread Man by Fannie Tucker

Premise: Kara, our FMC is a baker who made too much Gingerbread dough and decides to make a life-sized gingerbread man – but she adds a massive penis before she bakes it. The gingerbread man comes to life once baked and is horny all over the place.

Best Lines: “Suck, Suck, Suck! As hard as you can! You’re gonna blow me, I’m the gingerbread man” and “Strip, strip, strip! Take off those pants! You’re gonna be impaled on my gingerbread lance.”

WTF moment: Kara catches the gingerbread man penetrating a donut. All I could think about is this hot sex tip from Cosmo. Also, Kara is penetrated by a rolling pin that she will theoretically use to bake the next day and THEN: “The gingerbread man’s cum tasted liked cinnamon roll frosting, the richest, creamiest frosting she had ever tasted.” Then she puts it on baked goods to SELL TO THE PUBLIC. This still gives me PTSD.

Spicy Rating: 3/5

Overall Rating: A box of crushed Christmas cookies crumbs and a yeast infection FOR SURE

Groped by the Grinch by Melanie Nix

Premise: Holly Jolly is hired to bring Christmas spirit to a store and finds a Grinch instead. If she agrees to have sex with him he will fill the store with Christmas cheer

Best Lines: “my heart may be two sizes too small but that has no problem in the size department.” HAHAHA.

Worst Lines: “I like vanilla too . . . I’d like it poured all over your body so I could lick it off.” First, vanilla extract is expensive, second, it tastes gross on its own.

WTF moment: the Grinch’s dick has rotating, light-up bumps that look like Christmas tree lights. They can be seen through Holly Jolly’s abdomen. Apparently Holly Jolly is the only one who can see the Grinch because she is so filled with Christmas Spirit^(tm) which seems kinda weird, but this whole book was a bit of a hot mess. HJ actually starts feeling herself up in the middle of the store and then she and the Grinch bang in the back room, which I honestly thought was an idea restricted to teens who work at Target.

Spicy rating: 2/5

Overall rating: curdled eggnog

A Billionaire Golem Made Me Gay on Hanukkah by H.K. Statham

Premise: Unnamed MMC gets offered an editing job for a magazine. His boss, turns out to be a centuries old golem who gets him high and has his way with him.

Best Lines: "You cant wear a suit without a tie at a Jewish temple, you'll look like the president of Iran!"

Worst Lines: "The Golem kept cumming and cumming until his sweaty, slimy clay hands lost their grip on my hips and I shot off his dick like a model rocket with a torrent of cum shooting out of my asshole.

WTF moment: The bosses-golem's dick and balls are formed and unformed by wetting his crotch and molding it like clay - which it is, because he is a golem.

"No Shit, Sherlock" line: "guess chicks don't prefer unemployment men who've stopped seeing the point of showering.”

Yo - I included this book because I wanted to be inclusive but this is one of the oddest books I have ever read and gets pretty rapey, (not in a good way) and it’s not even really about Hanukkah.

Spicy rating: 0/5

Overall rating: Man-O, Man-O, Manischewitz.

Sentient Menorah Candle Bisexual Hanukkah Orgy by (two time Hugo award finalist) Chuck Tingle

Premise: Tim's friend Levi suggests that Tim starts a new holiday tradition of a gangbang with 8 sentient menorah . . . candles?

Best Lines: "'There's only enough lube for one.' 'On most nights this might be true,' I offer in return, 'but not during Hanukkah. I know in my heart's butt that all eight of us will be just fine.'"

Worst lines: "I've received tests from everyone so that we can play safe." Tim is the only human there. DO CANDLES GET STIs?!?!

WTF Moment: uh, all of it. They're candles. Sentient candles.

Spicy Rating: sad ball of wax

You know what, fuck you, Chuck Tingle. I hope you read this. Why do you always pull this shit on me. I look at the title and think, I know what I am getting into, but I DO NOT. I am always SURPRISED. How did the candles become sentient? WHY DO THEY HAVE FACES??? DO CANDLES GET STDS?!?!? I have all the questions. I hope you enjoy my $2.99 (two-time Hugo Award Finalist and Tae Kwon Do grandmaster) CHUCK TINGLE.

Overall rating: Oy Vey.

Milked by Santa Claus by CA Carbury

Premise: Mindy get dumped by her boyfriend on Christmas Eve, but a Norse-God like Santa shows up with his six-pack and puts them both on the naughty list.

WTF Moment: Santa uses Christmas magic to make Mindy lactate because she doesn't have any milk to go with cookies. And her milk tastes like vanilla and cinnamon and while I have no conscious recollection of what breast milk tastes like, I don't think that is right.

Sadly, Mindy never gets to see Santa's package, he only fucks her with a candy-cane dildo, because he wouldn't to upset Mrs. Claus. Frankly, if I was Mrs. Claus, I wouldn't be okay with turning rando chicks into hucows and fucking them with dildos, but I guess you do you.

Spicy rating: 1/5

Overall rating: a lump of coal

Covid Claus is Coming to Town by MJ Edwards

I promised myself I wouldn't read any more of these after the whole hot dog in the vagina situation, but, sigh, here we are. yay! 😒

Premise: Dr. Holly Mistletoe is in desperate need of a good orgasm, but she is busy doing zoo things because she is a zoologist. Zoo things like . . . stroking zebras. but she doesn't see people much because she is busy with the animals "and it wasn't like she could do anything sexual with them. Not again."

OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH FUCK NO. I AM OUT.