I don't know who I am but I understand my thoughts feelings and others feelings and thoughts

I want people to understand that sometimes I don't understand how to calm down. I hate that when I get excited or angry at something I get louder and it's hard for me to control my own voice I know how to not talk and talk I don't understand how to control my volume sometimes i also can't when someone triggers my PTSD I become really upset sometimes I can't have people touch me because I'll cry and I have to separate myself (usually they won't touch me because I say things my father would say) my dad has always been the source of my depression and I almost went to the extreme trying to make him approve and love me and except me I never understood why he hated me when I look into his personality and saw only lust, anger, racism ( he is native and not white but he always complained about not being white so he talk shit on my Mexican neighbors) and denial. I always smelled his weed always saw him, always saw him inappropriately touch my mother and sexually harass her, tasted his anger and fingers when he beat me in the face and stomped me out like a cig and heard his racist comments and I always felt nothing from him and felt dizzy when he hugged me. I want people touch me inappropriately without my consent because I think of him. I always felt the same for my grandmother on my dad's side mainly because she would ask me inappropriate things and put me up on a pedestal by always reminding me I should and probably have a lot of women at my side (I'm pansexual) she was also uncomfortably physically touchy with me and I'm not sure if it was because of her or my dad that I started having a addiction to gay, straight and trans pornography when I was 7. It was when I wrote a manifesto and tried to kill my family when I was 11 that she divorced my dad and took me and my sisters

My perception of time is pretty fucked up to things that were only a 3 days ago felt like a week even though it felt as if the day was long I never remembered it my childhood zoomed by as it felt long but I don't remember being 6, 8 or 9 or 10 but I have fragments from 7 and 5 and I remember being 11-14 ( I'm 14 rn)