kinda confused, kinda okay

I'm basically using this account as a way to journal my feelings and see how I've overcome this over the months. Seeing how desperate I was to get back together, writing all my feelings down, expressing what I was going to miss compared to now feels weird.

The story is; I understood I did things that were misunderstood when I was going through a period of anxiety, but I also don't take full responsibility of the breakup though since he was somewhat at fault too. I thought we could work it out as soon as he expressed his worries, he didn't.

I've been working on myself and have even more plans for the new year. I've stopped crying, I've stopped fantasizing about what we could have been. Truth is, we did go out to catch up after the breakup (I had pressured him into doing this when he broke up with me so I thought it was more like a chore for him) but I was feeling stronger than ever (bc of therapy) so I didn't break down like I thought I would. We had fun, he ended up kissing me (didn't get my hopes up though) and I just felt good that our last moment wasn't the one where we broke up and I was sobbing.

Fast forward to this week; I was travelling a lot the past week so I wasn't thinking of him at all. We didn't wish each other a happy new year. Yesterday I had this urge to text him, just a simple text "happy new year", not to start a conversation but because it felt weird not wishing him. One part of me said "he dumped you, he should be wishing you. He might be annoyed that you're still texting him. He will lose respect for you. He might reply with just a thanks" but of course the other part that says "it's just a wish, it's only human, be the bigger person since you still care for him" won. So I wished him and he replied back with pictures he was gathering that he'd send me if things were different. We talked about our news a little bit and he confessed he still has feelings for me and he thinks about me. I didn't encourage a "getting back together" convo and after a while we just went to sleep.

This didn't get my hopes up again and I didn't expect a message today. I must admit it's confusing that he says those things and still doesn't do anything about it (our relationship wasn't toxic but I respect that he might want a relationship with just ups and not downs). Surprisingly one part of me is okay with not getting back together so it's kinda all good. I'm not afraid to be seen as weak by him, so I don't regret texting him (as long as I'm not making a fool of myself or being annoying). I'm still exploring the world and what's out there so if I'm causing him to breadcrumb me, it's not working completely. I gotta admit it's still a little confusing though.