I wrote a Geoffrey the Dumbass fan script. I'm a nerd.

Last night I got a random inspiration to create a fan script for the first time. It was really fun to write! Let me know your thoughts.

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Geoffrey the Dumbass: Steroids

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[GEOFF and REILLY are sitting on a sofa next to each other. There is a coffee table in front.]

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REILLY: ”What did you think about the new script I sent you?”

GEOFF: ”Yeah, it made me smile! It would have been nice to laugh but going in I already knew that was too much to ask.”

REILLY: ”Asshole. So, did you do something fun last weekend?”

GEOFF: ”I actually started watching The Sopranos, finally! Now I know why James Gandolfini was such an icon. I also started injecting anabolic steroids, hourly."

REILLY: ”What's that?”

GEOFF: ”It's crazy. I mean, it's such a must-watch. Like, how could anybody have NOT seen The Sopranos at this point? Frankly, I'm embarrassed."

REILLY: ”No, the steroids. What's up with that?”

GEOFF: ”Oh, the 'roids? Whatever, I'm just following the awesome example of Liver King. Are you familiar with the YouTube sensationalist?"

REILLY: ”Yes, the guy who was promoting a healthy lifestyle and just got caught using steroids. By 'following his example' I assume that you're aspiring to have an unnatural sixpack like he does...?”

GEOFF: ”FUCK no."

REILLY: ”Can you cool it with the cursing? It's every day, and always at the office.”

GEOFF: ”Fuck that and fuck YOU."

REILLY: ”I feel like this would be a fireable situation at any other company. I'm already afraid to ask this question, but why would you take steroids if you are not interested in building muscle? I mean, what other reason is there that is understandable to an another human being?

GEOFF: ”I don't need more muscle, you imbecile. I want to be famous, so obviously that’s why I need to: Get. Caught.”

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[Silence.]

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REILLY: ”What?!”

GEOFF: ”All the best people get caught, they're all famous and usually rich too.”

REILLY: ”A sentient AI would be unable to follow your thought process.”

GEOFF: ”Just saying, Liver King was not extremely famous before he got caught.”

REILLY: ”*Sigh*”

GEOFF: ”And now he is!”

REILLY: ”...he was already famous though. You know he tarnished his reputation, right?”

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[GEOFF pulls out a needle from his pocket and jams it into his arm.]

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GEOFF: ”That's the stuff."

REILLY: "Please stop injecting performance enhancements, especially in the middle of a conversation. Why would people care if you get caught doing anything if they don’t know who you are?”

GEOFF: ”That’s why I need to get caught to become the next James Corden! What don’t you get?!”

REILLY: "There's an awful lot to not get here. If you are so obsessed with somebody 'catching' you, who would even do it and why would it make you famous?"

GEOFF: ”I don’t know but if Amir, OUR FUCKING BOSS, catches me it’ll be a pretty big deal don’t you think?”

REILLY: ”The cursing. For the record, this plan is so incredibly stupid that just by hearing it, I probably got a little dumber. But let’s deal with your health first. GEOFF, you need to find better ways to chase fame than to inject harmful substances into your body. Steroids have all kinds of health risks and their use can lead to to emotional proble-”

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[GEOFF bangs the table with his fist.]

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GEOFF: ”DON’T TALK ABOUT MY EMOTIONS!”

REILLY: ”Perfect example. Have you even seen any benefits from this? Besides getting to launch this weird quest of yours to 'get caught'.”

GEOFF: ”I guess I’ve seen some improvements you know, it’s easier to carry groceries and stuff.”

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[GEOFF picks up a pair of dice that are sitting on the table and crushes them inside his hand. He unclenches his fist and a stream of sand falls out.]

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REILLY: ”Holy shit!”

GEOFF: ”So it was pretty messed up in the last episode when Tony Soprano got shot and he's in the hospital. I guess that's what happens to all mobsters eventually. Then there's the situation with his cousin returning to the criminal life, it's a pretty kooky show."

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[While talking about The Sopranos, GEOFF pulls out a second needle from his pocket and casually jams it into his arm mid sentence.]

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REILLY: ”GEOFF stop! You seriously need to do something different. I hear bowling is fun.”

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[GEOFF picks up a dumbell from the floor and starts doing curls.]

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GEOFF: ”Is bowling going to get me as famous like doing steroids under the nose of the boss man? I don't think so."

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[AMIR enters the room.]

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AMIR: "Hey GEOFF, I found these strange vials in our fridge with your name on them. They look like insulin, do you have diabetes or something?"

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[A pissed off GEOFF, still sitting, flicks the dumbell across the room like it’s nothing. The dumbell hits AMIR in the head. AMIR falls to the floor, seemingly dead. REILLY watches this in absolute horror.]

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GEOFF: "I mean, some people just can't take a hint. To get someone caught like this? A dream full of rice. Now I got to try something else to get famous. What did you say earlier, go bowling?"