I Feel Inadequate That I’m Unable to Finish With My Boyfriend

((Mentions of SA Warning))

My boyfriend (30M) and I (22F) have been together for almost eight months. Before him, I had minimal sexual experience, and after three or so months of dating, we had sex.

This wasn’t a light decision for me. I have years of sexual trauma behind me and have always been highly guarded in that area. I only ever wanted to be with the right person. However, even though we hadn’t been together long, something in me knew it was meant to be. Never had I ever experienced that feeling, and I knew he was the right person.

Skip ahead, and our sex life is probably better than most. What I didn’t expect was how high my sex drive would be. We go about four times a day, our most being ten in 24 hours. I can’t get enough of him and love the intimacy of it. I love having him close and getting to hold him, having him kiss me with so much affection. It feels so safe and wonderful.

But I can’t seem to get off from it.

For months, we’ve tried everything. Blindfolds, music, countless toys, going down on me, any stimulation to try and get me to orgasm. Nothing. I don’t even so much as feel it building. I have no problem getting there when he’s not in the room and have gotten close when I have him leave me alone to do my thing, but I always lose it when he jumps in.

It’s so unbelievably frustrating that I cannot begin to count how many times I’ve given up or cried silently to myself after. I trust this man with my life, I know he loves me, and I know he wants me to feel good. But it’s so freaking disheartening that now I’m starting to feel… Angry or something.

After everything I’ve been through, I can’t find sexual gratification with the person I love most. I want to marry this man. We’ve talked about it plenty of times, and he feels the same. We joke that before anyone proposes, I have to have an orgasm, and it was all fun and games at first, but now I genuinely believe I won't ever be able to.

I feel like I’m being punished. After so many years of being terrified of intimacy, finally, I feel the happiest and most beautiful I’ve ever felt, and I’m blue balled by myself.

I don’t know what to do anymore. When I ask for advice, people tell me I’m thinking too much or that I just need to relax and let it happen. I am relaxed, I don’t feel judged by him, I just can’t orgasm.

Or worse, they tell me that I may never experience it with him, which would leave me devastated. I only want this one thing. I want to be vulnerable and enjoy myself with him. I am willing to try anything, and I don’t want my past to control my life. Any suggestions are welcome.