suicide attempts deemed as “manipulative”

Last year (2022) was really rough for me, and it also happened to be the year I got diagnosed. There were a couple suicide attempts and I self harmed A LOT. I can admit that I’ve been manipulative before. One of my biggest triggers that cause me to split (and become suicidal) is when I argue with my fp. It’s literally the worst. The other night during a bad episode I swallowed a bunch of hydrogen peroxide in an attempt to kill myself. And the next day my fp sent a meme that had to do with suicide and manipulation (it was funny, and it’s how we generally joke around, he’s a good guy). But now I’m thinking that he thinks all my suicide attempts and self harm are to manipulate him. I sent him a paragraph explaining that it’s not but he disregarded it saying he didn’t want to talk about it. So now I know 100% he thinks that I’m using my BPD to manipulate him. It’s really hard, I’m not a suicidal person at all and I’m usually very hopeful. But during my episodes and when I split I get so suicidal it scares me. I just don’t want anyone to think that I hurt myself or attempt to end my life to manipulate them, and it really hurts my feelings to think about it.