i don't know how long i can take this

for 6 year and counting they've made me so miserable, so depressed and suicidal that i struggle to even a future where i'll ever happy. and it's just so much to be doing on my own, in a foreign country without any emotional, physical or mental support. like, between 2017-2021 i could've dropped dead because of heart failure and when i initially found out just how dangerous the situation was, i was grateful that i didn't. but now i'm not sure i should be. every time i look at their faces, i just feel angry and upset at myself for still being alive.