I want to be here but at the same time I don't.

I'm 30 now. Since I was 14-15 I have had depression and self harmed. I've had a lot of opportunities to better myself and my life but things always seemed to get in the way. Life has really worn me down, especially in the last few years. I used to always at least have hope that things will be better and that one day I will feel like a "normal" person does, i.e. be happy, have a family and friends etc. But now that I have hit 30, it just....it feels like the end credits, like I'm reaching the end and this is it. The world is a shit place for me to live in and it feels like things in general are only getting worse. I don't have hope anymore and I feel resigned to just waste away. After about 15 years of anxiety and depression, trust me when I say I've tried everything within my power to be happy, to not end up alone, and here I am anyway. At this point the novelty of life has gone away and I'm just waiting to die