Chronic illness

Hi all, This may be more of a vent, but I'm in a tough spot right now and would like to get some input from others besides my usual fellowship. Sober 2.5 years, worked the steps, have a sponsor, try to find new comers to help, have a few service positions.

I've been dealing with a chronic illness since 2017. I struggled, and still am, with getting an official diagnosis. Currently I'm in a bad "crash" which can last months or years. Currently the docs think I have some form of dysautonomia. Basically a nervous system disorder that affects my automatic functions like heart rate, metabolism, etc. and leaves me in compete fatigue to the point of not being able to function. Along with some terrifying heart symptoms and other painful stuff. No official test other than ruling out stuff. No treatment except for managing symptoms which isn't going well.

I recently went through a traumatic breakup, became a single dad with no real friends or family for support.

I'm at a point where life is crumbling. I'm scared to death that at some point I won't be able to physically care for my kid, or myself. This is one of those things I can't control and have to accept.

I'm struggling with the program on top of everything else. My experience has been that my physical health affects my ability to work towards spiritual fitness and participate in the program and fellowship effectively.

Whenever I mention what's going on with my health or emotions surrounding it to my sponsor or AA "friends" I'm met with an attitude of dismissal or disinterest. Often judgment as well. I guess since I'm not missing an arm it's hard for ppl to see how debilitating this disorder is and I'm viewed as selfish or lazy.

I find it extremely difficult to be honest with anyone about how I'm doing because they just don't seem to care or are annoyed. I feel like I'm expected to do a lot with very little and keep it to myself. I'm quickly running out of gas.

I'm having trouble with my service commitments because I physically struggle. I follow through, but I'm left drained to the point of not functioning. I dont want to feel this way. I want to be of service and help others. I want to be healthy, happy, joyous and free. But I'm not.

I'm considering stepping away from AA. Maybe for good. I'm not getting what I need, and can't seem to be of any real help to others. So what's the point?

I'm in a place of fear because I don't want to lose the only human connection I have which I've found through AA. Even if the fellowship seems hollow most days. But I don't know if I can do this anymore. Becoming a hermit and withering away without affecting anyone sounds nice.

I don't feel close to a drink. But other, far more darker and permanent, choices have been looking more and more appealing. I'm praying and meditating, but it doesn't seem to help. I try to think of others. But feel maybe I need to focus on myself to get well.

Idk. Maybe I'm expecting too much out of AA. I'm just lost, hurt, and not sure what to do. I can't give something away that I don't have and I'm not getting the support I feel I need.

Any thoughts or advice are welcome.

Thanks for letting me share.