I'm having bi-panic again. I think it finally clicked in my head.

Okay, I seriously don't know what's going on. I've spent the last 10 years questioning on and off (I'm 22 now).

I was swiping on some dating apps tonight. Haven't tried dating guys yet so I was only swiping on girls. However, once in awhile, you run into men who set their gender to women to find confused straight guys, or for some strange reason. I don't know honestly.

So, this guy's profile popped up. I don't know what the hell happened, but I kept scrolling through the profile, looking at the pictures. Thinking, damn, he is fucking cute. I normally would write this off as admiring their appearance or being envious of them or some bullshit like that, but with all the questioning I've done recently, I can't really ignore this anymore.

I started to think about what it'd be like to kiss him. I kept saying to myself "Fuck fuck fuck what is happening"

I swiped right. I went outside to the store, and I said to myself. "Fuck, I guess I'm bisexual.". Then I started to imagine what it would be like to be with a man romantically. For once, the idea actually felt kinda nice.

I should also mention that the other day, I literally got naked with my gay roommate in the living room and we had a conversation while just fully naked. I'm not attracted to him but I feel like being naked around other guys helps make me more comfortable with the idea of gay things.

The denial is just so hard to get past. Even now I'm like, no, this isn't real, I can't actually be bi. But the more and more I unravel my internalized homophobia and such, the clearer things are becoming and the harder it is to ignore.

Honestly I just don't want to deal with biphobia. The thing that sucks about being bi is that you get it from both sides. From within the community and outside of it. I've already had a few of my straight friends be biphobic. Not in a malicious way but in an ignorant way.

I'm also concerned that girls will brand me as gross or a cheater, but then again, I feel like I generally go for girls who are open-minded and accepting so I think I actually filter out a good portion of the biphobes regardless.

So far I have told a few girls I've been going out with about my questioning and none of them have seemed to judge me, however I only told the girls who were also bisexual.

Heck, even my mom, who is not actively anti-LGBT by any stretch, has said biphobic things out of ignorance. I had to correct her and explain to her why those views were wrong.

For that reason I'm not going to come out to my parents unless I actually want to or if I bring a guy home. I know with certainty that they will accept me but it's a messy conversation I don't wish to have.

But hey, nobody asks to be gay or bi. I guess this is who I am and I will have to learn to accept it. I'd rather be who I am and face discrimination than be walking on eggshells trying to fulfill unrealistic societal expectations.

So, I guess I'm bisexual. Or I'm just really confused and making shit up.

Another thing is that if I am bisexual, I literally am that stereotypical horny sex-crazed "greedy" bi person who wants to have threesomes. Just something funny I thought I'd mention.