Self hate

When people ask me how I am doing, I answer them with, I am fine, but in reality what is fine? Am I fine to allow myself to hate my self? I say this that it in fact my fault. It in reality I was never given a chance to be an adult. I am always blamed for every fight I am blamed for every disagreement. The fact that my parents are the reason I hate my self is because they say they “love” me when I know that prisoners and other people are treated a lot better. I have accepted that I am the reason for every thing that has happened. But let me ask you this have you been told that you could not go to school or get a job or have a relationship because you are NOT your own GUARDIAN? No? Don’t ever tell me it will get better. Well it will but I want to have a life before I am 60 I want to have kids I want to get married. Have you ever been told you can go any where you want to and then get asked where you were going and then get told you are not allowed off the street? Or out of the county? No? Yeah we are not the same. Have you ever had your sister boss you around? Nope? This is a fucking unfair deal! I really hate my family in fact I wonder if the would truly miss me? The fact that they start shit and deny that they ever did any thing shows how ignorant they are. They let other people (family and non family) get away with stuff. I can’t stand being around my cousins because they are assholes rubbing in that they have a job and an expensive car when I can’t even get a car for my self. Family says they would help but in reality they will make a shady deal. I really hate my self in fact I might just stay home and self harm ain’t like they care. They will put me in the hospital just to prove that they have absolute control they will lie to doctors and judges. But in reality I can’t live my life I have never had a life before. I just want to drink my self to oblivion. I need help I need a release I need love I need happiness I need… I want a new family I want them to learn about what I like I want them to pay for their sins but in reality they won’t. So I will just go crawl in a hole then maybe then They Would LEARN THAT THEY WERE THE CAUSE OF MY DEATH but knowing them They will DENY the truth. I want to post this to tik tok but yet I don’t To be TAKEN Down. So I don’t know I want to be helped but yet I want to prove that they are denying me proper care.