Uh oh. Traveling to see family on Sunday, and I’m not looking good.

I have been very talkative in this sub today! My apologies!

Long and short of it is my long distance family and I are seeing each other on Sunday. I’m generally super pumped, as I live on the east coast US and my little sister lives on the west coast. It’s very hard for us to see each other regularly, and we’re all meeting at my mom’s house to celebrate late Christmas (my mom is literally keeping her Christmas tree up for this visit, and already hid the Pickle for the extra gift, IYKYK).

But, I look like shit kinda. Objectively I can see it occasionally outside my body dysmorphia. Like I catch a flash in the mirror and I’m like 😯 fuck, my family’s gonna notice. Medically I’m not horribly UW, just a little. But I’m also 32 years old so it’s just starting to show, and the lifelong ED is starting to take its toll physically.

I just don’t want to worry my sister, or my mom. Family is a core value to me, I love my family above anything. I’m just nervous. I also saw my mom a couple months ago (she came to my house for Thanksgiving) and she made comments about my weight then. Nothing malicious, just more “you need to gain weight. I’ve seen you recovered, this ain’t it” type of comments. I’ve lost since then.

Ugh. I feel so guilty. Also way too old to be playing with behaviors. Thank you for listening to my rant, that’s all I wanted really.