does anyone else hate there voice to the point of wanting to never talk again? 20 mtf 1 year on hrt

Hi I'm Samantha I sound like a 13 y/o boy and still my voice cracks regularly my voice is such a turn off I'm scared to even try a relationship cuz I know once I say a word(soft mode enabled) the most scary thing to me is if they go soft after hearing me voice crack, I've had 3 potential relationships each ghosting me after they hear my voice, and let's be honest if your in this sub reddit we all have had anxiety at somepoint and know that taking that first step is the at least for me the hardest part I wish I could get rid of my voice entirely without fucking my self up

I've tried alot of videos and stuff I got from friends and random chatters to train my voice but I never have any motivation to do anything I other than hrt,weed, alcohol,acid and (TOYS) I haven't felt anything from any Hobby's I used to have it's been like this for around 3 years its just getting worse and worse recently I went a little to far with cutting and now I have 2 scars across my arm 26 stitches total

Everything is dull and I feel like there's no point in even getting out of the house unless it's drugs

I'm not looking for help or answers I just want to tell someone how I feel. Sorry if nobody understands what I'm trying to say I have 1 active brain cell rn