The sign to know when to stop trying

My husband and I have been together for over a decade. He was kind, attentive, and cheerful in the beginning, but this has severely eroded over the years. Like all couples, we often fight over little things - like who forgot to turn off the kitchen lights at night - and while I am a forgive-and-forget about it type of person, he holds on to conflicts with grudges and doesn't forgive. He has been ever increasingly contemptuous, making snide comments, sarcasm, snappy tone of voice, and generally act as though he has moral superiority. When I try to talk things over with him, he gets furious, throws f-bombs at me, and tells me to shut up. When I have told him that his negativity is hurtful, instead of emphasizing, he accusingly stated that I'm playing the victim card and became even more angry, followed by stonewalling. During his stonewalls, he will literally hide in a separate room, door shut and locked, for up to two weeks and pretend I don't exist.

Of course this cycle of snideness, anger and prolonged avoidance makes me feel very lonely and abandoned. It's been this way for years. I can't break through to him, and genuinely feel like he secretly hates and resents me. I even asked him if he was willing to work on our relationship and improve our couple communication skills by reading a self-help book together, and he flat out said no. I get that some people are uncomfortable with therapy, but is a book too much to ask? Today, he told me he will be joining another social group on the weekends, when we already spend so little time with one another (typically less than 20 minutes per day, during a shared meal).

Am I just fooling myself thinking we can still work something out? Is he just waiting for me to be the one to end the marriage? If one partner is completely unwilling to work on the relationship, is it doomed?