im going through the worst time of my life

I've always been a very lonely guy, since daycare, I've never had good friendships, and all I've had are people who want something in return or who are just assholes and manipulators with me. I had a very toxic friendship that lasted 5 years or so and it was at a stage where I was transitioning from childhood to pre-teen. this is just a brief summary of a troubled childhood full of social and familiar problems, my father was my biggest problem, he was a difficult guy to deal with and still is, but thank god he and my mother broke up and everything is fine, my stepfather is an angel on earth, completely different from him, he was a frustrated, grouchy guy, whenever you went to talk to him, he would yell at you, it was impossible to live with that guy, I M P O S S I B L E!

Let's talk about the present now. everything I've said about my past so far is just a small summary of my childhood, which was itself somewhat traumatizing.

I met a guy, in April, who simply changed my life for the better, and he was my biggest companion, I spent the whole day talking to him, we ended up falling in love. there were the most wonderful 10 months of my entire life, I never felt so welcomed and loved by someone before, it really fed this "gap" that I had in my life, which was to feel really loved and to feel important to someone, he had convincing words, which made me give myself completely to him, and with great pleasure. my life revolved around him, I just talked to him and he was my only company, we made ambitious plans for the future together and I believed very faithfully that all that would happen.

I never trusted anyone so much before, I didn't even trust my own parents that much.

in the last months of 2022, he was starting to get depressed again, and when he told me that, it kind of destroyed me, because I've been in situations before where a person that I really like gets depressed and withdraws from me, leaving me alone. And this is what happened; As time went by, he stopped loving me as much as he loved me, and that consumed and destroyed me in a way that I've never experienced before and I'll never have the words to describe that feeling.

loving someone so much that they no longer love you, you no longer make a difference in that person's life.

I've gone through many moments of abandonment in my life, but this was the worst, precisely because I gave a lot of myself to someone. Today I am completely alone, on whatsapp i only have contacts with some of my closest family members, and my psychologist.

he have friends, I don't. I don't make a difference in his life, he makes a difference in my life. He doesn't feel anything for me, I have a lot of feelings for him. but he doesn't care, and it's understandable. i am the worst person someone could met.

it's like I don't deserve all this love, out of nowhere I have everything, and out of nowhere I lose everything, with him I felt complete, I didn't need anything but his company, and that was taken from me in a sudden way . he doesn't understand how I feel. nobody understand. I have nothing.

I tried suicide 3 times, overdose, knife and intoxication. I couldn't get the knife inside. overdose; my vision just darkened. intoxication, I must have mixed something there that ended up inhibiting the effect, nothing happened.

I can only feel a huge emptiness every day, from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to bed. It hurts to have to go every day to that horrendous place called high school, and see everyone happy with their groups of friends, while I'm alone sitting on the floor.

the looks people have towards me hurt me a lot. people look at me in a judging way, I feel like an animal. i wish i could strafe my head in front of everyone so people would know what they do to me. all this judgment is unbearable. I live in the eye of the hurricane inside my head, a hurricane of self-loathing and hopelessness of any kind of improvement.

it's all much deeper than nobody can imagine. and nobody really cares. if you tell someone that you want to kill yourself, they won't stop you because they care about you, but because they don't want to feel guilty after you've died, they don't want to carry a death on their shoulders. one day I posted in other subreddit that I was going to kill myself, that day was the day I tested the overdose method. there were people who commented "ok", "yeah". people are horrible, everything is horrible. I hate living in this world.

it's like my existence doesn't make any difference in this world, every day I just think about disappearing, about not existing. I wanted dying to be easy.

I'm going to the psychologist and she says that maybe I have a borderline disorder, because of my past history. I probably have. my life is a complete hell. in addition to being a bastard with no social life, I also have a fucking personality disorder that just complicates everything. It's like I'm paying dearly to live. like I'm not welcome, so everything conspires to fuck me, so I just try to throw myself off a building or something. it's like my life is a punishment.

I wish I hadn't gone through that relationship. I wish I hadn't met the people I've met throughout my life. I wish my life had just been monotonous, that at least I wouldn't get hurt so much. I wish I hadn't loved him. I wish it was as easy for me to stop loving him as it was for him to stop loving me. I feel ridiculous for having feelings for him. he doesn't cares. while I cry because of him, he has already forgotten me.

I wanted to have a different life. I wanted to have hope. I wanted to forget. I wanted to unplug. but my past haunts me everyday. it's not like it's something removable.