Type 8 as an actual human, part 3

Same author, different name because I can't stay away from this hellhole.

Let's talk about fear.

If I had to boil down my personal fear -- as a normal fucking human being -- into one thing, that thing would be being trapped.

This honestly is more about a psychological state of being than literally physically being trapped, though I'd hate that too.

Specifics: I am afraid of pain, disfigurement, and paralyzation. I'm fucking terrified of grief, or other long term debilitating emotions. I'm scared of being held down and violated. I'm afraid of my own ineffectualness.

What this really means is I am petrified of not being able to affect change on myself or my situation or my environment. That is what control means to me. It has nothing to do with being alpha, or dominant, or controlling people around me because I get off on power. It's not about getting everything I want because I want it. It's fucking fear of being incorporeal. Of having no voice, no presence. No capability. No free will.

Because at the end of the day, what I want is to have impact. I want to influence. I need growth, challenge, change. I want to physically, emotionally, and psychologically drive my direction, alter my surroundings, inspire my people. For the better. I want to help.

I need to be able to wake up and make a plan and make it happen. Or else what is the fucking point of being alive? How do you even know you're alive?

And this is a two-fold result of experiencing my own willpower (and wanting more), and also of being terrified of returning to a psychological state that I experienced as a child where I had no voice or impact. Where I could not change my situation. Where I was helpless, incapable, and drowning in grief.

I swore to myself that I would never experience that again. And I live that.

And that also, incidentally, is why 8s react with so much force to a situation that threatens their autonomy/ sense of control. It is a gut reaction to a trigger. Because we are dealing with subconscious fear here. And very often psychological trauma.

If you hit that spot, an 8 is not going to think. They are going to go into flight or fight and just react.

I'm also going to point out, for me personally, I avoid my fears until I must deal with them. I am not a crazy risk-taker, though I understand risk is relative. Because I don't enjoy being exposed to my own fear. I would rather live in ignorance of it's existence.

And I would keep ignoring it forever probably, but at some point fear stands in the way of what I want.

(I also get quiet and contained when I'm in a situation that scares me or makes me uncomfortable. I am not suddenly brave. I feel like every other fucking person experiencing fear. I just show as little of what I'm feeling as possible.)

Part one

https://www.reddit.com/r/Enneagram/comments/113q5p5/type_8_as_an_actual_human_part_1/

Part two

https://www.reddit.com/r/Enneagram/comments/113zc2t/type_8_as_an_actual_human_part_2/