I thought here might be a good place to share since I don’t know who else to go to

Sorry if this is very incoherent I wrote this very fast quite late a night

So it starts with her for privacy reasons I’ll call her Sam I had little friends at the time but it didn’t matter to me that much, with her I spent as much time as I could with her and the rest of the time messaging her it was very clear that I was a lot more invested in it than her but it was my first proper relationship so I didn’t really know what to think so we go out for a while she was obviously a lot more mature than me it was like a 15 year old going out with a 12 year old mentally cos she just knew things and wanted to do things she never did anything without consent tho other than touching my leg sometimes or trying to put herself on me it was never in bad interest. But she asked to do a lot which I said no to obviously I was like 12 but as we grew older we rarely went out and grew apart we planned to go out a couple times but I had to cancel both times for genuine reasons but it didn’t help and we clearly started to drift apart, I always knew she had mental health issues and I was always there to talk about it with her it’s all I was dedicated to helping her feel good this caused me to completely push aside my issues and also that I had literally 2 friends that I would barley call distant. She told me she used to self harm quite a lot before we were together but she told me She hadn’t even thought about it since we got together but now it was starting again. First she was telling me about how sad she was then she would say like I’m sorry or bye… and then leave all my messages on delivered deliberately to scare me into thinking she’d gotten worse, I would be so scared for her and would cry often. Then she started self harming again often all id get was I picture of her arm all cut up then I’d be messaging her frantically sending her loads and loads of texts and all she would reply is another picture this time with even more cuts in the arm. This went on for months with her constantly saying that if anything tipped her over she would kill herself obviously saying if I broke up with her she would kill herself I told her that id never leave her and made loads of promises and said id do more stuff with her including stuff I wasn’t comfortable with but I was so scared that she’d kill herself I just went along with it. This carried on for a few month on before over a couple days she said she wasn’t interested anymore and left me for her best friend (at this point we were a bit older 13-14) and even though I should have felt relief I still felt overwhelmed with sadness I felt addicted to her and she knew it. This all happened a few years ago now but the worst thing is even if she asked me out today I’d buckle and still say yes I don’t know how she did it but I worry about her every day even though she used me for attention and admitted it. She even admitted to me that her suicide threats and sh was all fake but even now I still feel like I need her.