He made me rape myself on his cock while telling him about my abuse

I (22F) am dating my rapist (28M). I made a post about it a while ago, but in summary, it makes for a really weird dynamic. He was my best friend, and still is, but when he decides it's time to use me it's like he's a completely different person.

When this rape happened, I was laying in bed playing on my switch and he was sitting at his computer. Without saying a word, he came over, undid his jeans and grabbed my hair to pull my head towards him. I yelped and tried to pull away in surprise, but that just made him more aggressive.

I cried out "Okay okay" and tried to cooperate. My head was hanging off the bed while he stood beside it. As soon as I opened my mouth he was shoving himself in. He didn't even give me a second, he was just face-fucking my face as hard as he could. I was gagging and coughing and spluttering in between, and that just seemed to turn him on more.

When he was close he pushed my head away and gave me a slap. I felt dizzy and tired and scared. He wiped the spit off my chin with his thumb, almost gently. His skin felt rough against mine, I remember looking up at his eyes and he just seemed to lose it.

He undressed and layed down on the bed and motioned for me to come over. I did, sitting on his bare thighs. He brought a firm hand to my neck and applied some pressure. "Tell me how your ex raped you," he said.

I froze. We had done this type of thing before, I mean, he did it the first time he raped me, but it usually took me a while to get into the right headspace. I shook my head, pleading with him that I didn't want to. His grip on my neck tightened, "that wasn't a question".

I tried, I really did, but I couldn't do it. I was on the verge of a panic attack. My ex was not just a rapist, he got off on violence and causing me physical pain. Noticing this, he started guiding me with questions. "Did he fuck you? Did he fuck your asshole? Did it hurt? Did he pinch your nipples like this? Did you like it when he left bruises on your thighs?"

While he did this, he let go of my throat and grabbed my hips, making me grind on his thigh. I was getting wet, both from the friction and the memories. He noticed and laughed at me, telling me I was such a slut for making a puddle thinking about how I was raped.

Eventually, he pushed me forwards so he was perfectly lined up with my entrance. He put the tip in, and then grabbed my hips and slapped me down. It was aggressive and it hurt, but it also felt really good. I was covered in tears and spit and my own juices at this point, and it was rough, messy sex as he grabbed my hips and made me ride him.

The questions didn't stop though. As I rode him he continued making me think of my rape and got more and more information out of me. "Did you ever ride him? Did it hurt? Tell me how he made you cum". A bit high off emotions, I told him all I could remember. I told him how my ex loved making me cum while he raped me while making me feel pain, how he would make me ride him and just slap me/pull my hair/punch my body at the same time.

He smiled and said, "you mean like this?" and then started getting rougher. At the same time, I was riding him faster. I tried to fight it off but the feeling at the pit of my stomach told me I was going to cum soon. With a couple more deep, violent thrusts I felt myself losing control. I came hard, riding out my orgasm, as a wave of emotions crashed over me.

He followed not long after. I was spent, so he just grabbed my hips and used me as his toy until he came. I felt his cum inside me and dripping down my thigh as I got off him and laid down next to him.