I realize that the girl I gave my heart too used me and never cared about me

I (17m) and the girl ima call her Sarah (18f) I meet Sarah in sophomore year of high school thanks to a friend (btw they were dating at this point) I thought she was a chill person in the beginning but later we started hanging out more often and we were very close friends we used to skip classes together to hang out and do dumb shit but when Sarah and my friend broke up I wanted to help her get through it so I hanged out with her to get her mind off of it so later on we develop feelings towards each other and I wanted to ask her if she liked me but before I did my friend let’s call him Kevin

Kevin said don’t date her and I being the good friend that I am told her let’s not date and we can still me friends but she walked of and that was the last time I talked to her but last year if my 1st semester of junior year she wanted to be friends again and I said ok so we started hanging out again and she tells me that her and Kevin are dating again and I was ok with that but 2 weeks later they broke up in a horrible way and she wasn’t in the right state of mind so being the good friend that I am I help her out and we both got feelings for each other again and this time we dated

But then she wanted to brake up but still be friends with benefits and so we just friends thing when we r around other friends but when we where alone we acted like couples and then later on we started doing sexual things to each other she gave head more than once and she was very comfortable with me so I got to see her breast and suck on them but we only did that a hand full of times we just wanted to next to each other all the time and I introduced her to my friend Josh (not real name) to her now we always hang out with each other all the time but Sarah was missing Kevin but I told her to move on because he was horrible he manipulated her made her feel unloved, unattractive, uncaring, and made her cry every day to sleep and I didn’t want her to feel like that

I just want her to feel liked and cared about she didn’t grow up so lucky and I wanted her to feel love I love Sarah she was the my first love and I wanted to be close with her and we told each other every thing I told her all of my insecurities, childhood trauma anything u can thing about I told her and she did the same mind u I don’t like showing people my true emotions because I don’t want them to think less of me and i don’t tell people what’s on my mind because then they said I ruin the mood so just keep everything bottled up and i don’t want people to see vulnerable because I don’t want to look weak to them but she was the only person I told that too and I told her what my dreams were and I wanted her to be with me on those dreams but Sarah caved in and wrote a note to Kevin and asked my teacher to give it to him and once she did she says that my teach is a good one

Once she wrote that note they started talking but they were not dating we still were doing the friends with benefits things we didn’t do nothing sexual in awhile and I was ok with that and on valentine’s Day everything went down hill she told me that they where dating and that she still loved and wouldn’t drop me in her own words but on Friday of February 17 Sarah and Kevin had sex and Sarah told me mind you she wanted to do it with me for a while we just didn’t have the time and place to do it but when she told me that they did it every thing slowed down and what makes it worse is that she liked it and was happy about it cuz she was able to do it before she lost before she turned 18 but I was destroyed by it and I got low so I got high and went to a person I told my self to never go back I’ll call her Margaret I told her what happened and me her did it and I had instant regret and left with out saying anything she used me in that past and so I never wanted to go back to her but then later that night on her birthday she called me crying saying that she was sorry and that she still love me but she doesn’t remember this and the next day I told her what happened and she told me not to do that and said don’t do things you’ll regret and she said that she doesn’t regret who she lost it too but later that day wanted to drop me to get Kevin’s trust back so she did and said thx for everything I didn’t know what to do I was lost and confused I lost the girl I love my best friend and someone to talk to about my problems too and what pissed me of was that she said I should move on and leave her alone and last week Friday Sarah and Kevin where in my class so I just left without saying anything and it hit me that she never loved me she was just using me to get over him and when it didn’t work she just dropped me backseat I had no use to her anymore

So I been distracting myself by hangout with friends all of them said that she didn’t care about me and now they are broken up and I think that her and Josh are doing something because today (march 10) I saw on Josh’s neck that there was a hickey and I never seen him hang out with other girls other than Sarah and when I asked him how he got it he said don’t worry about it and tried to change the subject so we left it at that and I told my best friend about it and he says that they been hanging out a lot after school and I didn’t want to believe that but earlier he told me that he was going to a friends house but never told me the friends name It’s Sarah all the fingers pointed at her I just don’t want to believe it I want it to be all a lie and I just want to look stupid mind you I knew him since the 3rd grade and I told him please don’t get feelings for Sarah and don’t try to do anything if we broke up and he said don’t worry I got you” I don’t know who to trust with my problems and I don’t know who to believe now I feel completely alone with everything I don’t know what I’m going to do next I don’t think I can trust an other girl or person again thanks to them and if they aren’t doing anything it’s going to be different hangout with him so for a lesson to everyone be careful who you should trust and I’ll update you guys later if anything happens.