[2492] Readings from a One Trick Pony (Draft 2)

Happy Friday.

I posted a version last fall and got some really great feedback. This is a rewrite for chapter 1 of an 80k manuscript I'm currently working on. I'm on the second draft working on big developmental issues at the moment/plot holes/pacing/structure.

This is the first ever thing I've written so at this point, I need a reality/pulse check to see if there is something here, or if it needs an overhaul. Or if it's total garbage and I should abandon ship and start something new.

If you could, please give some feedback on pacing (is it too slow?), characters (is the narrator believable, likeable enough despite their situation?) , prose (too purple, too simple? suited to the story?) pacing (does the story flow from scene to scene naturally? are transitions too forced?)

Hope you enjoy it, and if not, hope you tear it to shreds and let me know why.

Thanks!

Story Link: Link Time

Crit: [2691]