[The Primeval Apocalypse] - Chapter Twelve (collaboration with u/hydrael)

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The Primeval Apocalypse by Robert Keene and Alex Raizman

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As we resumed the walk back to Jamestown, I tried to explain to the Baby Baurusuchus what a name was. For a creature without proper language it was difficult to understand. In the end, I explained that humans have a weird affection for things with names. If he had a name, and they knew it, they would be friendlier. They would be more inclined to recognize him as a unique and precious living being rather than just a monster.

The creature thought that was a silly way to see the world. But even with its simplistic animal understanding of the custom, it recognized the value in exploiting that behavior for its own survival. I tried not to think about if that meant the lizard was smarter than me, the way that its stats indicated.

“Unfortunately,” I said, “the internet doesn’t exist anymore. I can’t just go to a fantasy name generator site and hit the button until something catches my eye.” I shook my head. “I’ve always been bad at naming things myself. When I was a kid I named my cat Tidepool because I wanted to be a marine biologist.”

The critter didn’t want to be called Tidepool.

I struggled for a moment to explain that I knew it was a shit name now, even though my skills in that arena hadn’t progressed.

“Alright, let’s break this down easy,” I said, rubbing my temple. “Are you a boy or a girl? Or neither?”

My Survival skill informed me that if I flipped the lizard over on its belly, there would likely be a flap of skin that could inform me of the creature’s biology. But the creature and I were friends. You don’t just wrestle a friend onto their back to examine their genitals. At least, not without permission.

It took a minute of discussion to understand that the creature was not an ‘it,’ but was in fact a ‘he’. He didn’t understand why that limited the list of appropriate names, and when I tried to explain that it really didn’t, but it did at the same time, he became progressively more confused and agitated.

“Alright, forget that,” I said at last. “Let’s just say that it helps. How about letters? Do you have a letter that you like?”

What is letter? the reptile asked.

I opened my mouth to try to define the word, but stopped before I could even begin. I felt my eyes bug out as I tried to resolve in my mind how to explain what a letter was to a creature without a language. It wasn’t actually speaking to me, after all. Just conveying meanings that my Wild Empathy was translating into words.

“You know what?” I said at last. “Nevermind. Forget about letters. Let me think for a minute.”

I spent a lot of time on my own out in the woods thinking about things. It felt different this time with someone here watching me struggle to make my own brain work. I was a bit embarrassed about how long it took me to reach the conclusion I needed to hit.

The real question was why the system would let me name him. It had thus far proven to be pretty uncaring about a lot of things. The system was not flexible with people’s HP bars when they were near death. It was not merciful about failed skill checks when lives were on the line. And it would not let you play fast and loose with cooldowns and durations for ‘rule of cool.’

So there had to be a reason why it would give me the option to name him. It wasn’t for aesthetics or fun. There was a purpose.

“It’s an identifier,” I said at last. “A way that I can pick you out of my eventual stable of pets quickly and efficiently when I need to.” I tapped my chin. “Ah, I get it!” I turned back to the critter, trying to explain. “It’s so that I can have more than one Baby Baurusuchus pet, and keep straight which one is which for the purposes of determining which one is going to be evolved down which path. If I want to take you down the physical or the magical path—or down the respective branches beyond—and the two of you are at the same stage, the system wants me to be able to tell you apart.”

Not important, the reptile conveyed to me. Is only one of me here. Where Mandrills stole me from is very far from here.

“Right, but… Okay. Let me ask you this, then.” I tried to gesture at the system menu where it told me about his growth tree. Obviously, he couldn’t see it, so I had to explain verbally. “What do you want to be when you grow up? You have two paths before you. One direction is physical, where you will grow up physically strong, with the ability to throw enemies around and push them away. The other is magical, where you will develop mystical powers, including the ability to call down rocks from space to blast your foes.”

The critter had to think about that for a surprisingly long time. From what he said when he agreed to become my companion, I thought he would immediately latch on to the idea of being physically strong. If the Mandrills tried to capture him again, he would want the ability to kick them away so that he could make his escape. But apparently his objective was more nebulous than that.

Which is scarier? he asked at last.

Now I had to think about it for a moment. On the one hand, the idea of it becoming a giant muscle-bound predator was pretty terrifying. Especially if it grew so large that its current size was proportionately a baby.

But at the same time, something that was only physically powerful could be evaded or outsmarted.

Honestly, a lizard that size was scary enough even if it wasn’t a muscle-bound titan. If it was some kind of bestial wizard, though? And if it had a little man sitting on its shoulder who could tell it the exact location of every living thing within a half-mile, there was no way for a force of men, Mandrills, or beasts that could approach safely.

That wasn’t just a monster.

That was, potentially, a demigod.

Exactly what the critter wanted to become.

“Probably the magical path,” I said at last. “I don’t know what abilities you’ll gain that way, but physical power has limits. If you grow big and strong, enemies can guess at what you can do. With magical power, anything is possible.” I nodded along with my own logic. “They’ll be more scared of you if they don’t know what you’re capable of. Their imaginations will concoct crazy stories and attribute things to you that you never did. You’ll be way scarier that way.”

That satisfied the reptile more than even the smoked fish had.

“So you need a magical name,” I said firmly. “Something that separates you from anything that might join us in the future and go down a physical path. A wizard name.”

What is wizard? he asked. Is name?

“No, it’s a profession,” I said, though I tapped my chin for a moment. “No, ‘class’ is probably the word for it in the system. So let me think…”

I tried not to just blurt out random wizard names.

I failed.

“Gandalf? Merlin? Harry? David? Other David? Chris-with-two-Ss-and-no-H?” I tried to stop myself, but the floodgates were open now. “Tim? Salem? Kamek? Obi-wan? Yoda? Penn? Teller? Penn and Teller? Just stop me if you hear one you like.”

What was… he replied, and then paused. What was fifth one?

“Uh,” I repeated myself in my mind, counting them out. “Other David?”

Bad at numbers, he said. There was good one. Eight maybe?

“Kamek?” I said.

Near that, but not that.

“Salem? Yoda? Obi-wan? Chris but spelled funny?”

Not same, the critter’s tail flicked in irritation.

“Chris with two S’s and no H?” I asked.

Last part, it said. Is sound good. Like sound momma make.

“No H? I said again. “Noaych?” I repeated, forcing the sounds together into one word. “No-aich,” I said more firmly, putting the brief hesitance into it and moving the stress to the last syllable.

Yes. Is nice.

“I don’t know if that’s actually a name,” I said, but I mentally instructed the system to record the name. “But you’re the one who has to live with it.”

Jamestown was just ahead, through the trees. Even now, my expanded senses were starting to pick out the guards patrolling the inside of the bramble walls on this side.

“Alright,” I said at last, suddenly realizing that I didn’t really have a plan to get my new friend Noaich through the guards. “So this might get a little awkward.”