Should I go back to the Philippines?

Hi, I'm a 26-year-old male and an accounting graduate from a university in Quezon City. Right after graduation, I reviewed for the board exams with my friend in CPAR. She passed the exams, while I didn't even take the boards that year. I really regret that decision, at least to the extent that I can feel that the people around me is somewhat disappointed in me. "A brilliant individual" is how people around me often describe me. But somehow that changed after that one decision that I made in 2018. 

My family started to treat me like someone who couldn't make any rational decisions. But what I really can't forget is what my professor in college told me the last time we met, about 6 months after the October exams. He said: "Alam mo sayang, ka magaling ka pa naman top ka sa klase ko." At that moment everything sinked in na realize ko lahat lalo na yung mga opportunities na sinayang ko.  Simula noon pakiramdam ko di nako nakarecover yung motivation ko at unti unti ring nawala yung mga reasons ko na magtake ng CPALE. 

The following year, I tried to do a self-review for the board exam in May but ended up bailing again. My reason at that time was that I needed to review pa kasi gusto ko sa top 10 ako, which is the same reason why I didn't take the exam in October of the previous year, as noong nag preboard ako, that in October of 2018, I was only on top 19. My thinking at that time was that if I gave it some effort, maybe I could enter the top 10. Kaya from October 2018 to May 2019, naging October 2019 ng finally nagtake nako ng exam and failed, puro reasons ginawa ko at lagi kong reason di pako nakakareview di ako prepared kaya di ako magtatake, but the more na dinelay ko for more time to review, eh wala namang pagrereview na nangyari, ni hindi ko nabuksan yung libro kahit isang pahina.

The truth is ang hirap mag aral magisa lalo na kung yung naging motivation mo lang to finish the course is your friends. So that October, after not reading or solving any accounting-related materials, I took the boards. At that time, bago mag-exam ang yabang ko, pa sabi ko sa sarili ko, what if pumasa ko, how cool will that be after more than a year of not studying? Not surprisingly, I failed that October 2019 CPALE.

I ended up not having a job for 2 years because of my stupid decisions, and after I failed the boards, I was really devastated. Mostly because I failed, and that failure was a result of me not giving my best. Yung kaya ko naman kaso di ko pinahalagahan yung mga privilege nabinigay sakin, 3 consecutive review centers na fully paid ng parents ko na bihira lang ako pumasok at may allowance and condo pa. Ang dami kong sinayang na habang tumatagal na rerealize ko na tama yung prof ko baka nga sayang ako. 

After 2 years of being depressed, I finally had the courage to go out again and find a job. But at that time, my confidence level was so low that I didn't have the guts to apply for an accounting-related job. I felt at the time that I didn't deserve it, so I applied to a BPO company instead. I did a great job there and was awarded as one of the top employees in my first year. Pero di ako masaya pakiramdam ko, I don't belong there, na hindi yun yung para sakin araw araw, I'm questioning myself: "Anong ginagawa mo dito". 

The following year, I received the devastating news that my friend had died. My friend's father told me that she died because of an illness that was misdiagnosed, and because COVID cases were high during that time, she wasn't able to go to the hospital regularly to be checked. This was hard on me because she's the one I looked up to when I was in college; she's the one who got herself all figured out, the complete opposite of me. She was like my anchor when I was at university. 

You see, she's very smart, hardworking, and even finished college with a full scholarship. She's also the "Panganay," so she has all these hopes that someday she'll be successful and be able to help her family. So being with her somewhat motivated me to study. I'm a very laid-back person, and she always kept me in line, reminding me that I can't get everything in life so easily and that I should work hard to get what I want. So when she died, that brought me to the worst point of my life. It's just so hard to think about all the things she will never be able to do or be. 

I was thinking up until now that maybe if I found out sooner that she was having medical problems. I could have referred her to my uncle. I have all the resources to help her, but I didn't because I thought she was alright. I could have helped her with the medical bills so that her family wouldn't have to struggle so much. I just can't accept the fact that she died because no hospital will accept her because they thought it was COVID. It was a very curable illness; it's just that it happened at the worst time. 

Right after her funeral, I decided that I would do everything she told me that she wanted to do. So I quit my job, booked a plane ticket, and traveled to Thailand. That country na gustong gusto nya puntahan ever since, but di nya napuntahan.

Pero habang nasa Thailand ako, I felt really sad; narealize ko na she's the most precious person in my life, and that I do love her. I had all these regrets bugging my mind all throughout my stay there. Nasana kung di ko sinayang 4 years ng buhay ko magkasama sana kami now. Or at least, man lang, I made the effort to spend more time with her before she died. Ang daming what ifs, and that happened because I was so engulfed in my own sorrows that I didn't even bother to check on her; in fact, she was the one always reaching out to me. But everything is too late now.

Kaya ngayon nagdecide ako na hindi lang yung dream destination niya yung puntahan ko kundi pati narin yung mga bagay na di nya natupad ay tuparin ko para sa kanya especially her dream of us becoming a lawyer.

I'm currently traveling and wandering around Asia right now as a backpacker and working as an ESL instructor for a couple of months in different countries. Right now I've decided to finally quit my job and go home and try to fix my life. Gusto ko tuparin yung lagi nyang sinasabi na magtake ako ulit ng CPALE at this time; gawin ko na yung best ko. And when I pass, I'm planning to go to law school for her to fulfill one of her dreams. I hope this is the right decision now. And maybe someday I can be the person that she has always wanted me to be.