First door-to-door experience after almost a decade disfellowshipped got me rattled.

So I was DF’d in 2014 in Ohio, and I’ve lived in Bloomington Indiana since 2015. In that time we’ve gotten letters and one group came into my workplace once, but I’ve never had my actual door knocked on til this morning.

I literally found myself thinking last night “I’m doing really well, I’m not angry anymore, maybe I’m at peace finally” and then at 11 this morning there was a hard knock and my wife took a second before whispering from the peep-hole in the door “I think it’s witnesses?!”

I immediately took her place at the door and started to pick one of the many carefully crafted speeches I’ve had in my head for years, but when I opened the door it was a kid no older than 16, with his dad and brother behind him. He stuttered and his hand trembled as he held out the memorial invitation, and all the steam I opened the door with vanished.

He was a scared kid that so clearly did not want to be there, and I think we’ve all known EXACTLY what that feels like. I said hello, let him finish his pitch, and said “thanks for your time, but I’m actually disfellowshipped. I hope you have a great day” and went inside as the dad mumbled a shocked “oh” and gathered the boys back to the car. I couldn’t bring myself to be cruel or aggressive, that kid would have only seen confirmation of what he’s been told. How wicked people are who turn their backs on the religion.

The door shut and every feeing of fear, anger, resentment, and deep sadness hit me like a gut punch.

I hope this isn’t forever. I hope I don’t go another 5 or 10 years feeling like I’ve healed only to have an experience like this that brings me right back to day one.