Hey, this is just who I am. I guess I just need to vent

I’m not a nice guy but I’m not an asshole. I’m a combination of a series of fuck ups and successes that created an oxymoron of a person. I don’t care about others, but can’t live without them. I only live for myself to have fun, but will drop everything so someone else can be happy. It’s just annoying, I’m equally smart and stupid, loving but apathetic. My good qualities shine like no other so I appear decent, and yet my bad ones drag me down internally. I’m pretty much a tool. Capable of fixing, hurting, and being used for whatever is needed. Yet still a person, who feels wasted and wants to feel special. And maybe there’s a bit of exaggeration, I understand that this is just coming in the heat of the moment. I really don’t care all that much, it’s just annoying. And I guess it would be nice for someone to just love me. Friendships aren’t hard for me, but they don’t tend to last long.