You wet my lips
And crack my tongue.
I know I shouldn't,
You’ll only leave me
Craving more and more.
But at least I know
You're not a mirage.
And alone on this raft,
You're all I have left.
Edited for formating (again)
Posted Apr 1, 2023, 7:27 PM UTC · edited
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I love how 'crack my tongue' relates to the title, like how your tongue dries when thirsty, and how the line is juxtaposed to 'wet lips.' Im not always a fan of poems with very few words per line, but this was done very well, and is a terrific use of this style. Keep it up :)
Longing can be such a melancholy feeling and you evoke it well.
I love the juxtopsition of cracking a tounge instead of lips. Evovative.
Definitely gives that feeling of I hate you and you tear me apart and eat my soul, but you're all I have and I love you forever. Powerful stuff, thanks for making me realise I should call my mom.
I feel like the relates to what I’m going through a lot right now. The longing and the desire despite the pain
Encapsulating desire as thirst one would feel stranded in the middle of the ocean amps up the writers desperation for the individual by tenfold. The imagery and symbolism aligns perfectly with the feelings you are trying to get across. I think more could even be added because adding personality to the individual the writer wants will invoke a greater emotion in this poem. For example, expand on the mirage portion. What does the reader see, hear, or feel that ensures them this isn't a mirage? Perhaps it could be one and you could play and experiment in their delusion. Overall I really enjoy and it invokes a strong visual with clear purpose!
“but at least i know you’re not a mirage” is such a heartbreaking, but relatable line. you hurt me, but at least i know you’re here. well done.