I'm not doing well

I was doing fine. I had gotten all nicely dressed on Thursday for my date night with my (now ex) partner of three years. I had gotten over Dysphoria for fucking weeks.

They broke up with me over text just before, stating they needed to find themselves and that they can't do it around me, with the main reason being HRT made me more confident in myself and they weren't into that. They're non-binary, which fucking hurts.

I've always had extreme trust issues, I still do, but now I can't even consider being open with others. I had my life planned out, I was doing well. I had friends and a social life and every fucking thing a girl could've wanted.

I've been laying in my bed since. I've tried eating but I just vomit. 13 times. I've vomited 13 times and only managed to choke myself until I could get 400 calories down. Water makes me gag but I managed to drink a quarter off a glass earlier. Every time I sleep I dream of them holding me and promising to always stay like they always have, only to wake up remember they said they wanted to be acquaintances until they find themselves. Why have they infested my brain.

I haven't left my room in days. I haven't dressed up in days. People are calling me to figure out where I am but all I can do is fucking sob and text them that I need to be alone. People fucking call me and all I can do is sob while they ask what's wrong until I eventually mumble out an excuse and hang up.

How am I supposed to want to fucking continue when being trans has taken everything from me. Why shouldn't I just take a knife and give myself physical scars to match. Why shouldn't I just throw myself off the nearest fucking cliff. There is nothing fucking going for me anyways. I can't get a therapist none are taking clients and I'm so very fucking close to ending it.

Please just interact with me if nothing else, I need to remember humans exist so I'm not stuck in my own head for another rotten fucking second. So I don't think of my partner and go back to cradling myself screaming in the warm darkness of my room.

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Edit: I'm good now I spoke to a bunch of friends and they pretty much all told me that all signs point to me having been in an abusive relationship. Can give further details if anyones interested. Love you all! Therapy starts tomorrow for me (found an emergency one specializing in trans issues).