Source
r/relationships•
cancon

New-Years situation with GF and Ex

Hey reddit, so I'm in a bit of a bind over my New Years Eve plans and I really don't know what to do. Little bit of background (all parties involved are around 25/26 years old):

Girlfriend (GF): We have been together just over three months, seeing each other exclusively the whole time, and it has gotten pretty serious in that short time. She is absolutely fantastic and I have had an amazing time with her. She is everything I am looking for in a partner and I can honestly see a future with this girl. I am pretty notoriously a commitment-phobe, and this is the first time in a long, long time that I have felt this way. It has been a great relationship so far and I still get the butterflies and all that and I believe she feels the same.

EX: We have been friends for about two years, started seeing each other pretty casually over the summer, I developed feelings, asked her to be committed and she declined, I was hurt and things ended poorly. Everything kind of blew up one night with the two of us screaming at each other in front of our group of friends. I was extremely embarassed about that night, so I apologized and we have since pretty much moved on. Since we share the same group of friends, we still run into each other pretty often but we basically stay out of each others way. We are cordial to each other, but it is still a little awkward.

So New-Years Eve. About a month ago a friend of mine began organizing a trip to a cabin in the mountains for NYE. GF won't be able to attend, she will be home across the country with her family for Christmas and NYE. Because we are in the same group of friends, I thought that EX might be there. I asked GF how she would feel about me going if EX was there, and she (understandably) wasn't thrilled. GF knows all about the situation with EX, they have met before and it was admittadly pretty awkward.

So before going further into the discussion with GF, I texted EX and asked if she would be going. She replied no, I thought perfect, there would be no issue with me going. I then paid for the trip and I have gotten really excited about going. Almost all of my close friends will be going as well.

This morning, organizer sent out an e-mail about the trip, and I noticed EX's name was on the list....a little confused I texted EX again and she has decided to now go on the trip.

Well, fuck.

So right now, I really don't know what the hell to do. I plan on speaking with the GF tonight about it...I understand why GF would be upset, honestly I would be pretty upset if the situations were reversed and she was spending NYE at a cabin with an ex....but on the other hand...I really fucking want to go on this trip! I have zero intention on re-kindling anything with the ex and I would never even think of jeopardizing this amazing relationship. The majority of my friends are going to be at this cabin, so I don't really want to spend NYE at home alone, without my GF.

TL;DR: Found out an EX is going to be coming on a NYE trip that I was going on without GF. Should I bail on the trip or not?

Posted Nov 15, 2012, 8:35 PM UTC

1339
miss_trixie•

I would never even think of jeopardizing this amazing relationship

say this to yourself 10 times out loud.

then ask yourself that last sentence again.

26
leavingforgood•

I chant to myself. All the time.

0
hellolily•

Keep life simple, bail on the trip.

16
ass_munch_reborn•

First off, she's not really your ex. She declined anything serious.

Anyway, I would say go if two things are true:

  • You truly have no intentions of ever being romantically involved with her.

  • You can honestly say that you have NO feelings for this girl anymore.

The second point is the most important, and requires complete personal honesty. Most guys would probably fail this second point.

I have, personally, spent a weekend with an ex, but just as a friend, and absolutely nothing happened. I was honestly over her, and I just wanted to visit the city and have a good time.

15
lucky_23•

You've only been together 3 months, and as unfortunate as it is that you can't spend NYE with her anyway, you know that she's going to have a pretty shitty one thinking of you up there with your ex.

"...honestly I would be pretty upset if the situations were reversed and she was spending NYE at a cabin with an ex....but on the other hand...I really fucking want to go on this trip!"

That's you admitting that you'd be putting her in an uncomfortable (and potentially relationship-damaging) situation that you yourself would not want her to put you in. Again, it's unfortunate that your ex came aboard late in the game, but didn't you check with her so that you could not go if she was already planning to?

"I don't really want to spend NYE at home alone, without my GF."

She doesn't really want to spend NYE at home alone, without her BF, while he's in a Christmas cabin in the mountains with his ex and all their friends, getting plastered and enjoying a celebratory mood.

Yes, you have the right to go, and yes, it'll probably put a damper on the relationship if you do. She (and you in her shoes) would feel like you were choosing a fun time with friends over something that you know would really trouble her. And essentially you are.

It's like when people aren't "technically" doing anything wrong when they're on a break with their SO and they hook up with someone else, but they know they're not doing the relationship any favors. So you choose: Do you trade the fun with your friends for your new girlfriend's peace of mind? Or do you enhance her peace of mind by skipping a controversial situation? Good luck.

14
canconOP•

Thanks for this.

To be fair, she does have an awesome party planned for NYE back home, so she certainly won't be sitting home alone.

Although I definitely understand what you are saying. I would hate if the situation were reversed and she put the decision in my hands and made me the bad guy by telling her it wouldn't be kosher. I think I need to bite the bullet and bail...Ugh.

3
fatmanbrigade•

Dude.

It's New Years Eve. You can handle yourself while drunk, go to a bar and get yourself piss shit drunk then have a friend come pick you up if you're that worried about being alone, I doubt every single person you know is going on that trip, and your ex isn't someone you really want to hang out with while your girlfriend is on the other side of the country worrying about it.

Edit: You got other friends who aren't going on the trip you can hang out with? Go have fun with them then, you don't have to be alone on New Years Eve just cause your ex is going to that party and you don't want to put your girlfriend in an uncomfortable situation.

4
lucky_23•

It isn't always fun at the time when we're making responsible decisions, but you'd get to live the rest of your life feeling good about giving up one party, instead of wishing that you had. A lot of boyfriends wouldn't care so much, she's lucky to have you.

2
CaptainKate757•

You sound like a really respectful boyfriend. I wish you and your girlfriend all the best. :)

2
[deleted]•

Yes, bail on the trip.

11
meggapixel•

If I were that girl I would absolutely be way happier if you didn't go on that trip. Of course I would want you to enjoy your New Years with your friends but that's just an uncomfortable situation that I very much doubt she'll be okay with. She's more important than the trip, right?

10
auxiliummeumadomino•

Don't be the guy that gets drunk and then asks reddit what to do now that you've cheated.

I know you wouldn't do that but... I think it would be better to be sober. You sound like a reasonable great person but alcohol can bring out the worst in people and it'd be better to not take that chance.

Once again, I hope I didn't offend you and I hope you can see where I'm coming from.

9
mc1774•

I agree with this. It's a nice compromise: You'll go but not drink more than 3 beers or something to that extent. It just sucks that while you are enjoying yourself she will be somewhere else wondering if something is going on. You need to be reassuring. You need to tell her that if you don't go then it looks like that the ex means something to you. You are going and while being there you will prove to all your friends that you are only interested in your current gf. Good luck.

3
changeyou•

If you're not going to cheat on your girlfriend and she doesn't mind you going, go. I wouldn't mind my boyfriend going because I trust him.

That said, your ex isn't even really your ex. You were into her, she wasn't that into you. If you're still into her, don't go. If you're over it, go.

9
[deleted]•

I don't understand why everyone is against you going. I would want my boyfriend to enjoy New Years with his friends if we couldn't be together, and would expect him to feel that way, too.

Do you still have feelings for the "ex?" How many people will be going? If it's a big small-ish group, and this ex-hook-up is the only other person without a date it could be weird. Otherwise, I don't see any problem.

6
canconOP•

Do you still have feelings for the "ex?

I'm still pretty pissed off over what happened, but I feel like she's a pretty shitty person and I don't have feelings for her in that way

How many people will be going?

About 15 people will be there...and I believe she has a date coming

1
miss_trixie•

or you could have quoted this: I developed feelings, asked her to be committed and she declined, I was hurt and things ended poorly. Everything kind of blew up one night with the two of us screaming at each other in front of our group of friends.

assuming your GF knows these details, just a few months ago you wanted a committed relationship with this girl and when she declined you went ballistic.

it's not like this is someone from years ago that you barely cared about. you cared about this girl enough to totally lose your shit in front of your friends and also lose her friendship because now it's too awkward. i'm sure you can see why your GF of 3 months might not be too crazy about you being around her right now. for a week. over the holidays.

7
[deleted]•

a week?

1
miss_trixie•

i screwed up...i was thinking about his GF being with her family for the week of xmas to NYE, and i thought that was the same amount of time as this camping trip.

2
fraudo•

If she's going to bring a "date" you can damn well bet that she's going to use this date to wind you up. Do you really want to go on a trip with someone that's banging your ex and having it rubbed in your face every minute? You'd really have to not give a fuck to be able to survive that without incident, and I don't think you are quite there yet considering you are still "pissed off" about what happened previously.

I'd advise bailing on the trip, but it sucks you have to because of her. Good luck man.

4
[deleted]•

This seems really somewhat immature. They didn't even have a relationship.

I don't think you are quite there yet considering you are still "pissed off" about what happened previously.

I agree with this. If OP is so happy with his current relationship, though, it shouldn't hurt that much to see this "ex" with someone else. With 15 people, it shouldn't be that hard to maintain the status quo of staying out of each other's way and remaining cordial.

7
canconOP•

Honestly I've seen her with someone else since things between us ended, and it hasn't bugged me. I honestly do feel I have moved on, as I'm glad I didn't get stuck with her and I ended up meeting my awesome GF afterwards.

3
fraudo•

Well, if you feel confident you can go, what's the problem? Ignore the ex and have a good time buddy!

8
changeyou•

Why the hell would the "ex" who wasn't even that into him try to "wind him up" with her new date? She's just trying to go have a good time with the new person that she's dating. Good lord.

3
Yurikoneko•

If you're totally over her, then going to the party should be no problem. Just try and conversations with her. The biggest problem is your girlfriend. Why she or you would be upset about the other one being at a party that an ex happened to be at, I have no idea. It'd be one thing if you weren't over her, but that's not the case. I'm not the most unbiased about this though, because I've never understood jealousy. It just doesn't click with me.

3
[deleted]•

[deleted]

5
godeyeam•

It's because his current girlfriend knows they banged.

She's also probably aware of how quickly good intentions go bad.

OP, save yourself and your girlfriend some heartache and just don't go. You did everything right but unfortunately your plans just didn't work out.

2
[deleted]•

She's not really you're ex since you dated casually. You went out a few times...big deal. I say go and stop thinking this girl is your ex-gf; she's not...that would require her being your gf first. Therefore I don't think it's a big deal if you go since you were never seriously/exclusively involved.

5
fluffybucket•

Talk honestly to your girlfriend, these things happen and if you deserve her trust she'll hopefully know that.

In her position I'd be uneasy too, but I'm close friends with one ex and my SO is great about spending time together in a group, with or without him around.

Just... talk it out. Make your decision based on her feelings and your feelings, but no one should spend NYs alone!

3
spicewoman•

All your friends will be there, it would be pretty hard for the two of you to get away with anything sketchy even if you wanted to. Talk to your gf, explain things to her, and promise to keep really connected while you're gone if you can, I'm sure it would help. If you're over the "ex" (that isn't really even an ex, just someone you dated a few times really), I don't see the problem. It's not like the two of you are going off alone somewhere, or that you want her back or anything.

edit: You guys are all mid-20s? Why does this read like high school drama to me? You should all be able to maturely handle ex's in group social situations by now.

3
svejn•

If there's trust and honesty between you and your current GF (and you stick to your conviction of steering clear of EX that night) there's no reason you shouldn't go.

3
conncollcamel•

Why was it awkward when your ex and your gf met? I mean, I know that a situation like that can be awkward, but what exactly made it awkward? Was your ex unkind to your gf or anything like that?

If I was your gf, my reaction would be mostly based in how that meeting went- to be honest. I wouldn't be super comfortable with my boyfriend spending a weekend drunk with his ex and their friends- but I'd understand since he'd already invested money in it and was really looking forward to it. However, if the ex was incredibly rude towards me and crossed boundaries with my boyfriend, no, I probably wouldn't be okay with it.

2
buildingbeautiful•

If your "ex" signed up to go after you asked her, then wouldn't the obvious conclusion be that she's going because of you...

2