Its been almost 4 years

And i still alllow my ex to live rent free in my head. We were together for 10 years and he cheated on me numerous times and then left me for someone else. Since then he has left that girl and is now with someone else and had a baby with her. But when i was pregnant twice he didnt want to keep the kids and i had 2 abortions. He treated me so bad but still i stayed. Why? Because i didnt see then what i see now. I was stupid but i also loved him. Why is it that i cant get him off my mind or move on? It sucks and i feel like ive let him win. I was supposed to level up but here i am fat and looking worse than ive ever before with low self esteem and no one who is interested in me. I truly hate my life!