SO asked me if BM can spend the night while she’s in town (**LONG READ**)

(LONG READ*)

SO and BM separated 2 years ago and divorced 1.5 years ago. It was a nasty divorce. We have been together a little over 1 year now, not married. We live together.

Despite the divorce, they continually text multiple times a day about SKs (SD8 and SS6). He’s admitted to sharing personal things in his life that he’s proud of because he wants BM to share it with SKs. He also claims that he can’t stand her and does anything to avoid being near her or talking to her.

I have told SO several times that this doesn’t seem like normal contact and may be bordering inappropriate. I believe BM is using SKs as an excuse to constantly reach out. I’ve asked multiple times if he could minimize the frequency of communication but each time he pushes back saying that it’s keeping him involved with his kids. SO and SKs have a daily phone call when they are not here at our home.

Recently, BM moved to another state in a different part of the country with SKs after a brutal post-divorce custody battle. In the end, SO was able to get all holidays and summers in an almost 50/50 split. Prior to the recent move, custody was 3-2-2.

SKs are scheduled to be here for the summer soon. SO and I planned a super fun event with them to kick off their summer. Everyone is excited.

This brings us to now.. SO asked me if BM can spend the night at our home (their old marital home) while she’s in town so that she can come to the super fun event that we planned.

Apparently, she has FOMO about it. My SO expressed that he asked because she feels since this is the kids first time doing this “type” of event, she should be there. She didn’t book a place to stay since this event and trip was so last minute (it was not). He also feels bad that she has no place to stay so they both thought it appropriate to ask for her to stay at our home, for the kids.

This is not a formal event, we are going to see a show that comes around 2-3x every year.

Of course I said no, and completely flipped out. I told him that the problem is not BM asking the question, it’s the fact that he approached me about it as if he has no issue with it.

I am now starting to doubt his fidelity and overall commitment to this relationship. I have been sleeping on the couch since this fight 2 days ago. We can’t converse without me becoming extremely emotional about the whole ordeal.

SO has apologized profusely for asking me and told BM no because his SO (me) thinks it’s inappropriate. He has said it was a dumb idea to ask but he wanted to “keep the peace” with her. He wants us to try couples counseling to fix this.

I am very alarmed that he has apologized for the action of asking me but doesn’t fundamentally find BM’s ask inappropriate.

Am I overreacting and/or overthinking? How to proceed?

Advice please.

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TLDR: SO asked if BM could stay at our home after recently moving out of state because she wants to be present for SK’s first “type” of informal event. I said no and freaked out. I now question my SO’s fidelity and commitment.

Am I overreacting and/or overthinking? How to proceed?