My son's behavior makes me want to end my life

My son is 13 and has ADHD and oppositional defiance disorder. He is medicated for both and we are in counseling but nothing seems to get better.

The constant stealing, disregard for rules, destruction of property, etc wears on me. I have to spend more of my time me making sure he does the most basic tasks and doesn't ruin things.

He gives me so much anxiety and stress that I often fantasize about dying so I don't have to deal with it any more. I don't have the fortitude to kill myself because I have other children whom I know this would hurt. This is just one of the many days where I feel so overwhelmed and alone and I can't see my way through this. I even fear I don't love him like I should because I am so in the deep end of my own fear, doubt, and shame.

I feel like such a shit person and a shit dad. I can't leave because no one would be better off without me except for me. I can't hurt them. I just need a break in all the hurt.

I never imagined a moment of not loving him for even a second when I held him in my arms. I don't know what to do or how to get back to anything better. I am scared shitless I am too far gone.