I hate myself.

Hi, I'm doing this to see if it'll help me even in a small way.

Throughout my life i have always put up a front, pretending i didn't care what others think. It has guarded me from the comments by others, the way they label me as strange, disturbed or emotionless. When deep down every comment hurts, It has destroyed my self confidence and now i doubt everything i do. I have never told anyone this but as a child (between 7-10) i had very few friends, and the older kids on my road (15-16year olds) took me under there wing to protect me from the kids who tryed to bully me. But then they changed, they would take me into there house and molest me and threaten to hurt me, tell my family and tell everyone that really it was me that had touched them. It sounds stupid but i was scared of that they would do so kept my mouth shut.

This has left me feeling unlovable and afraid of any kind of intimacy. I have never had the courage to tell a girl i liked her or make any kind of move. Although i have had girlfriends in the past sex to me has always be a chore, a reminder of the past and it leaves me feeling open and scared. Recently i had a friend, a girl i work with, we got on really well and for once a girl seemed generally interested in me. I have never let my guard down like this before but for her i did, i opened myself up and it felt great. This had been going on for about 3months. Then we went out and got very drunk and ended up having sex, the sex went badly we were far too drunk, but we cuddled till morning and i for the first time felt happy with this level of intimacy. I felt something for her and i thought i could sense her feeling something for me. I can't explain how great it felt I really trusted her. We went out every night that week dinner, movies etc my low self esteem and lack of self belief not allowing me to work up the courage to make another move. on Friday we were lay in her bed cuddling again before work and began play fighting, i went in to kiss her a few times but for what ever reason it didn't work and all i got was cheek. Even though this was crushing and a week ago i would have wallowed in my own self pity for weeks i felt i could, given time work up the courage to try again and thought things were on track. So life for me had finally picked up.

Then yesterday, a mere day after things seemed so great, i found out she had been texting another guy. Not just normal things but flirting and sexual stuff. This guy has a girlfriend but as one of his text said "it would stop me from doing anything babe ;)" all this while we were out for dinner etc. It was brought up by one of her friends while we were all hanging out. Her friend didn't know anything about our dating and started talking about it. The girl i had opened up to seemed taken aback but was unable to deny it in the presence of her friend. I don't know if it was reasonable and maybe i got far to attached to quickly but this destroyed its all Ive been able to think about. Although I'm probably crazy and over reacting i had opened myself up for the first time and now i feel as though I've fucked it all up, its just another reminder of the fact i must be a shitty person and i'll never be loved. I should never of opened up to her.

TL;DR: No one really likes me and I have no self esteem. I was molested which left me afraid of any kind of intimacy. I got built up by a girl who for the first time ever i felt comfortable around and open with, only to be shot down. Now i feel stupid and hate myself even more.