I have absolutely nowhere else to say this, but I need to say it, I need to get it off my chest. You don't even have to read it, honestly.

[throwaway account. Some people know my real one..] [ridiculous wall of text. Don't feel obligated to read it]

I don't really know where to start.. About 4 or 5 years ago I had some pretty bad problems with depression, my (now ex)boyfriend had tried to kill himself randomly, no warning signs, no excuse, just downed a bottle of pills one night. Of course we had a rocky relationship, but after this it spiraled. On top of that my grandfather who I was very close to died from a sudden heart attack very soon after. I sought counseling but it was just a complete joke. A waste of time, the lady was very cold and by the book. So I quit that and found my own way out. At this point in time I was still in high school, had lots of friends, and had even found another (again ex)boyfriend. Things were okay for a while, but then the boyfriend out of nowhere gave me the cold shoulder. I mean, the day before we were holding hands/kissing and then the next day he wouldn't talk to me, let alone look at me. Me being in the high-spirits that I was I decided to try and hold his hand but he pulled away and turned around. Then it hit me again, my heart sank to the bottom of my feet, and I found myself back where I was before. I was only pulled out this time when a friend saw the cuts on my arms and reached out to me. Since then I'd been okay, years passed and things were going good, I graduated and had lots of fun. I don't drink or smoke or take risks, so I always had fun responsibly with my fellow friends. Some time had passed after graduating and like many others, I saw my friends go from being my best friends in the whole world to people that never talked to me, unless it was bad talk. They were once my best friends I told most of my secrets to, but now they are people I avoid at all costs. So needless to say. I have absolutely NO friends. This has obviously taken a toll on me. Shortly after graduation I had to attend court for a speeding ticket, no big deal, but before I went I was going to hang out with some fellow court friends, things went horrific that day, they decided to 'hill hop' in their little car, me being in the back, and we rolled 4-6 times, killing the driver and the boy next to me. I now obviously suffer a lot from this, I essentially saw a friend of mine be decapitated from the accident.. I suffer a lot of PTSD from this, I still have nightmares and flashbacks.. I have 3 siblings who are all approaching the pre-teen age where they think they have it figured out. There's a lot of fighting in the house, and my parents handle it very poorly.

I write this post today because of a big fight that happened today in the house. I tried to peacefully intervene to find a solution, but instead I get yelled at and demoralized. I get so sad, feeling that i'm worthless, that I have absolutely no friends, I feel that.. maybe.. what if.. I had died in that accident. I feel that my life is going nowhere. I also have a crippling case of social anxiety. I cannot explain it, but something inside of me makes me feel so weak and afraid, I cannot talk to anyone. I'm just too afraid. I feel like I just don't matter. What's the point I'm not going to kill myself. I know that. But I just wish.. That I had an escape. I'm just so lonely..