I just want to cry, but can't. Not for years no.

This is probaly not even close to the amount of pain other people is in, but i need to get this off my chest. Im not that old, im 15. But i haven't felt genuine happiness for about 4-5 years now. Only worry, stress, and changes. I haven't been able to show true emotion for a long time now. I have a constant urge to cry, to shout and to just scream everything bad into everyones heads. I actually genuinly forgot how to express true happiness. I just can't, which makes me seem like a selfish fuck when someone does something nice. I know my smile looks fake, but c'mon, i really like it. I know my jokes are terrible and are one sided. Yes, i know i disapointed you, but i did my best, i really did. Every time a big event in my favor (Birthday, christmas) Why do i always feel terrible, or fuck everything up? I don't want to. NO FOR FUCKS SAKE, I DONT HATE YOU OR YOUR PARENTS BECAUSE I FORGET THEIR NAME, I JUST DONT REMEMBER NAMES. Fuck you, you made me look terrible, and now i can't get new friends in this part of the country because of you. WHY did you make up i beat you? My only possible friends are my old guy friends, and a few others. Saying 'Stop being anxious about it' wont help, it can block my future eductation plans, seriusly. Don't fucking say "EW" when i accedently run into you or you walk into me, that shit hurt as fuck, you dont even know. Thank god for that one girl that had no problem with being near me, made me feel human for once again. Yes, i have tried strangling myself multiple times, but i dont want to talk about it. Why did you two have to leave to the other side of this country? I will never know if you liked me now. And you, you messed up your life, i dont even know if it is worth picking up the pieces. Stop making me choose your big life decisions, i don't know as much as you, roll a fucking dice if you can't decide. I don't have ADHD or any of that shit, if i mess up a joke, i try and make up for it. A slight side-mouth lift is all i need, i dont want to look like an asshole. Why did you choose him over me? I've known you for years. Fuck. You. Did you tell her lies about what i thought of her? I seriusly think you did.