My fiance deserves better.

My life is actually pretty good. I am getting married in March to a brilliant, creative, hilarious man. I'm just not sure how I'm ever going to be a good wife for him. He's well-adjusted and is currently applying to grad schools to get his PhD in math; I'm a depressed college dropout working at McDonald's.

I always feel dumb telling this story, but here goes. I used to be a really good student. I got straight A's for a long time, and not that it means much, but I got a 2400 on my SAT. I got straight A's the first semester of college, and I've gotten high A's in difficult classes like multivariable calculus. I also write essays and poetry in my free time and I've taught myself introductory set theory, most of introductory group theory, and just a little each of formal logic, topology, graph theory, number theory, probability, linear algebra, differential equations, and analysis. My point is that I really value education more than anything except other people, but lately, because I've been such a bad student, I feel like a deadbeat.

When I was 14, I had a breakup that was hard for me because I didn't have any friends. I ended up being clingy and talking to my ex too much and walking by his house a lot to process his feelings. He'd invite me in, and sometimes act really happy or tell me he didn't know why he'd broken up with me. Anyway, I have this really ridiculous fear of knives, even pocketknives, and he liked teasing me about it by waving his pocketknife around, putting it near my throat and jokingly telling me to get in the closet and take off all my clothes. Although nothing much really came of this, he'd often (jokingly?) tell me he'd put the knife away if I did sexual things for him. The most I ever did was kiss him and have him take his pants off, and he did put the knife away when those things happened. Anyway, he'd start saying I'd have to do these things or he'd make me leave, and he'd walk me to the door unless I said I would. I was pretty seriously depressed and ended up hysterically asking him for duct tape to suffocate myself with. He told me he'd give it to me if I went in the closet and took off my shirt, so I did, and he felt my bra strap to make sure, then threw it at me and told me to leave.

Anyway, it may not seem like much, but this relationship has eaten at me for the last six years. I'm on my fourth therapist and I can barely even talk to my family for fear that they're secretly judging me for my inability to get over something so minor, or that they blame me for what happened. My parents are paying for therapy (themselves, because I already used up all the therapy their insurance covers) and I just feel like I'm such a waste of money. It's compounded by the fact that I really wish I could go back to school and become a high school math teacher, but I had such bad grades when I went that I just feel ashamed and manipulative asking for money from anyone, even though my parents would be willing to help.

I love my boyfriend so much. I really don't want to take advantage of his support, whether financial or emotional, but I feel like I have nothing to give him in return. And what if I have to work at McDonald's for the rest of my life and I end up being so worn out and unable to have intellectual discussions that he starts to drift away from me? I guess I'm partly scared of losing him, partly scared of losing that part of myself, and partly just scared he'll regret marrying me. Make me feel better?