My Relationship With Alcohol -- Literally

I am sure I am not the first person to say this but saying it is therapeutic for me so here I go. Saying goodbye to alcohol feels very much like saying goodbye to a very long-term girlfriend, or more likely a wife, with whom things had soured.

There were good times, and some great times, and I never wanted it to end. I ignored the few bad times. And later I ignored the few horrible times. And still later, I ignored the few soul-crushingly disastrous times that filled me with shame. I did not notice as the good times became fewer and the bad times became more frequent. And I did not notice how I was changing and becoming more isolated in the process. But after a decade or two, after many trial separations, breakups and reunions, I FINALLY called it off.

I am now feeling happiness and hope, because I know it was a terrible relationship -- but not all the time. Not even close. I still feel sadness and anxiety and loneliness, and I know they will never truly stop, though they will become less intense over the years. And I know that the urge to call her up again when I'm feeling bad will never be completely, utterly dead.

The difference is that everyone has been through a brutal breakup, and nearly anyone would offer you sympathy and support. Good friends will call you, spoil you, and make sure you NEVER think that breaking up was a bad idea. They encourage you to spoil yourself, and you do.

Not so with alcohol. Only those who have been through it can understand. Worse, quite a few others will shun you. If you are very lucky you can find some civilians who will show you true kindness, but you may well have already chased most of those people out of your life some time ago. Those that remain are like precious diamonds -- but even they don't truly get it. (I imagine that combat veterans feel something similar.)

This is why AA and groups like it are critical to recovery. You need a group. I need a group. We need forgiving people who understand. Even if it's online and you never meet them.

You people have added many years to my life. I slipped up recently and without you I may have fallen to oblivion. I can't thank you enough.