Ladies - Need help with understanding a personal fetish

Two X please help - First time poster. I'm a woman in my late-30s, single, with what I think are some serious self esteem issues. I have rare moments where I feel sexy, but most of the time I feel unattractive. I do spend a lot of time overanalyzing my faults and for as long as I can remember, I have this strange fetish where I wish I was someone else. I'm trying to make sense of it and could use a fresh perspective.

It has taken me years to piece things together, but I'm pretty sure my babysitter did some things to me when I was young. My aunt got drunk one year and let slip a few details. No one else in my family will talk about it, and when I try to ask my mom she starts crying. It upsets me, but I don't really remember since I was so young. I have no way of confronting the babysitter and would not want to do so.

I vaguely remember discovering how touching down their felt good around the time that my babysitter would have been in my life. To be fair, I don't have any memories of her doing anything to me. But I do recall having re-occuring dreams of someone trying to get me. Each dream featured a faceless person that I knew was chasing me. In the dream I would run and I usually would end up hiding in my bed. Each dream would end with the faceless person finding me and tickling me. It was an odd mixture of sweet (because it felt kinda good) and sour (because it really scared me).

At some point, I believe I associated the tickling with feeling pretty. I began to link images of pretty women looking happy in television commercials and in the fashion magazine ads that I saw to the good feelings I had when tickling myself. I remember a perfume commercial with a sexy woman telling the camera she can bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan. Oh how I wanted to be her! I tickled myself and imagined that I was wearing the pretty black dress and necklace. The commercial is the earliest that I can remember wanting to be someone else.

In school, I idolized my first grade teacher. Her name was Miss P and she had beautiful blonde hair. Everyone liked her and she had this way with all of the students that made us feel like we had her complete attention no matter what we were doing. I remember thinking that she must feel great being so pretty and liked. When I went home, I would tickle myself and pretend that I was her. Afterwards, I always felt guilty for doing it. My parents both worked and my grandmother watched way too much TV so I had plenty of privacy. I did it off and on, but the drive to do it was not as strong until I was older.

Years later, around 6th grade, my best friend (I will call her Ashley- not her real name) and I stole a book on sex education and I learned that tickling myself was really masturbation. It still felt good and I continued to do it. I wondered why I did not think of guys when I did it like my friend. She asked me what I thought of and I lied and said that I thought of a cute boy in our class. But I was really thinking of my best friend. I never imagined us making out or kissing. Instead, I had a deep preternatural wish to BE her.

Our friendship was like an intense relationship. We spent almost every weekday and weekend together. Sometimes we would fight over something silly, but it would not keep us apart for long. I remember thinking she was perfect. We started dressing alike (more me than her) and we were inseparable. When my mom enrolled me in piano lessons instead of ballet to separate us I was heartbroken. My friend was like a drug. Being away from her was awful. I was terribly codependent. Without her I felt ugly. Boring. Broken.

I clung to whatever I could to cope. Ashley would sometimes leave her things at my house. I remember feeling pretty low and missing her terribly, so I thought it might feel closer to her if I wore something of hers. She had left her leo and tights so I put them on. I put my hair up like she did and put on a necklace that she normally wore. And for the rest of the afternoon, I felt like I was her and it made me happy. Later that day when I wandered into the kitchen for a snack, my grandmother (still preoccupied with her TV shows and used to having Ashley over) thought I was Ashley and asked if we wanted anything to eat. I told her no and ran back to my room embarrassed that she might catch on.

Being mistaken for Ashley was a thrill and an incredible turn on. I remember running back to my room, putting a chair against the door and tickling myself till I came. The orgasm was earth shattering amazing. I had discovered what I can only describe as a fetish for wanting to be someone else and I had never ever felt that good.

I remember watching the parent trap and getting excited with the thought of trading places with Ashley. I thought it would be amazing if I could fool her parents and friends. This was at a sleepover where a few other girls spent the night and we stayed up way too late. At one point, one of the girls suggested that we trade clothes to try and fool Ashley's parents. I did not want to trade with anyone other than Ashley so I pretended not to be into it. When Ashley said that she wanted to trade with me I thought maybe she might know my secret. We traded clothes and I remember Ashley telling the others to call me 'Ashley'. We pretended being each other for an hour before everyone started getting tired. Late that night after I was sure everyone else was asleep I had my second earth shattering orgasm.

After grade school, my family moved out of state and my friendship with Ashley converted to a long distance friendship. I was crushed. We kept in touch with letters and phone calls though. We were fortunate that High School kept us both busy. I would visit her. She would visit me and we still were close. Deep down though I knew our friendship had a dual nature. One the one hand, I really was close to her and would do anything for her. However, my private self, the more sexual side of me held onto obsessive thoughts of wanting to be her.

Years later, I would have the weirdest lady boner watching Single White Female with Bridget Fonda and Jennifer Jason Leigh. The scene where Jennifer pretends to be Bridget Fonda's character with Fonda's boyfriend had me thinking of Ashley and her boyfriend. It led me to an awful fantasy where I recreated the same setup and got her boyfriend to make love to me. It felt amazing but afterwards I was ridden with guilt.

I think I get it. I was jealous of Ashley being close to anyone other than me, so I lashed out with a revenge fantasy. I don't think it is healthy to have the thoughts, but it is very difficult for me to resist them. Unlike when I was younger, my Ashley fantasies feel like a betrayal. I don't like having to keep secrets from her, but I don't think she would understand. Having her forgive/accept my fantasy feels like a fantasy to me. Ashley is married now and we still keep in touch and are good friends. I have been tempted to tell her of the bad thoughts that I have, but so far have been able to resist doing so. I truly think it would be a selfish act to say something and don't want to alarm her.

I have had a few boyfriends, but none of them can compete with my fetish and I would not feel comfortable sharing something so personal. I get more enjoyment with private thoughts of wanting to be someone else than I do with kissing a guy or letting him feel me up. I have had sex with a couple of my boyfriends and it does not compare. The relationships usually end because I'm not into sex. To me it seems so vanilla. It upsets me because I crave companionship. With my weird fetish, I don't know if I can be close to anyone. The closest I have felt though has been my female friends. Other than my fetish thoughts, I feel as though I might be straight but it is very confusing to find sexual gratification from wanting to be someone else.

I feel like I am broken. I wish that there was someone that understood why I feel the way I feel about myself. I am embarrassed to write about my thoughts.I'd love to work out the issues and rehabilitate myself so that I can have a healthy sexual relationship with a guy but it just doesn't seem possible. I'm a private person but am considering seeking professional help. Any incite or feedback is appreciated.