I feel like I've been hanging on by a very fine thread for a long time now...I think about killing myself just frequently.

I don't even know where to begin. I guess I'll just vent the most recent thing that happened to me that made me want to end my life. So, I'm in debt up to my eyeballs & this past Friday, I had setup a payment date for one of my debts so I can finally start paying it off & they could stop calling the house non-stop. I owed AT&T like $300 something but they said they could do a discount for me & make it $200 something & since I didn't have all the money to pay it once, I could pay have at the end of Nov. & half at the end of Dec. Well, I decided I wasn't going to pay it because I needed the money for more important things. So I got paid Fri., only $160 working my shitty job that I hate so much, so I decided to buy some RAM for my PC that I've been looking at for a while now, I'm a huge computer geek, to bring me under a $100 so the debt payment wouldn't go through. By the end of the night, I was at $95 so I was good.

The next day, (technically the same day, I did all that Fri. around 1am.) I had all this stuff planned out that I needed to do. First, I had to go get gas since my car was running on fumes, then, I finally had to get my oil changed, & from there, I had to go to Walmart to pick up a few body hygiene products for myself. I was actually looking forward to doing all this, probably because my Fridays consist of me sitting home playing video games & doing nothing & also, because I'm not so good with money, hence the reason why I'm always broke, so I was looking forward to managing my expenses like a responsible adult. Well, needless to say, my long eventful day was cut short when I went to go get gas & the guy said only 26 cents went through. I immediately knew that those bastards at AT&T that tried to take out their payment & they most likely noticed that the full amount wasn't there & they went ahead & took out what little I had anyways.

I was soo mad I wanted to kill the person that did that. I literally pictured me finding the person & choking them to death with my bare hands. Then after I calmed down a bit, I once again became suicidal. I was with my really good friend that's like a brother to me at the time, so I was venting to him. I was telling him I don't even know why I try anymore. I was feeling multiple emotions of sadness that I didn't even know what to say at that point. I just remember being angry at money too. How it's ruined my life & how it's the root of all evil. I just wanted to blast my head away with a shotgun. Those last few things I thought of in my head but didn't say them. He agreed with me in terms of how shitty life is & how we're both not afraid of death (he has his own issuses.) We got into a little conversation about 2012 & the when the world is supposed to end & how if it did happen, we'd gladly welcome it.

We talked about how other people would look at us as freaks if we'd say that in public. They would probably say something like: "How could you say that? Why would you want the world to end." That's because those people have nice lives & they don't have the money problems that we do. I hate money so much. Lately these past few years, MONEY is the cause of what has made me want to kill myself so much. Like I said I'm in debt, up to my eyeballs & I know it's nobody's fault but my own for getting myself into this mess, but I can't take it anymore. I just wish I could end my life so all this stress would go away.

I'm about to hop in the shower. I haven't showered in about 3 or 4 days because I just don't give a fuck about myself anymore. So yea, I'm finally going to take a shower so maybe I can feel a little better then, head to work for 9 long shitty hours & maybe someone will have seen this that can maybe brighten my day. If not, it's okay. My cycle of shitty life will continue revolving regardless.

Sorry for it being so long, but I tend to keep a lot of emotion locked up deep inside of me & when I vent, it all just keeps spewing out at once.