Whose behaviour changes too after having masturbated?

I guess the following is a good reason why I should try to stop, but apart from that, I wonder if anyone else had to kick the habit because of this or if this is... weird and rare.

Whenever I masturbated as a kid I thought of myself as "different" until I took a bath. You could say, I felt dirty. But the thing is, I never grew up thinking it actually was something dirty or forbidden to do. Yet the act of taking a bath (just washing hands or cleaning myself with a washcloth wasn't enough) made me feel "normal" again.

Certain things, mostly stuff that I felt was emotionally important, newly bought, or just very entertaining had the same "normal mode" to it. As a kid those things were usually video games, clothes and toys. Nowadays it's memories, movies, books, other possessions.

I remember when I got a Playstation and Final Fantasy 9 I was playing for hours. But parents want to watch TV so you've got some time for yourself and when the urges come... you know how it is. Now there was some sort of difference between me and the game I can't explain. I often did not touch the controller, or play the game until I took a bath, even though I really wanted to play. Whenever for some reason I touched the controller anyway, it became "tainted". From then on I always used that controller without thinking, but not in combination with the game I thought was beeing the best, only with bad stuff. I also started preferring the controller I didn't touch. I preferred clothes I wasn't wearing while masturbating.

Whenever I was able to replace something I touched I suddenly felt happy and relieved.

Now, many years later, it doesn't affect me as broadly as it did back then. But more deeply as of course I'm masturbating much more frequently than I did back then so I'm seldom in the "normal" mode for more than a few hours, maybe a day or two tops.

This changes the way I behave and my enjoyment. It often leads to procrastination or boredom (which in itself leads to more masturbation as we all know). It can determine whether I leave the house to do what I had planned (buy a book, read in the park, ride my bike) or stay at home. It doesn't "feel right" to watch a movie I have never seen, but it's okay to watch a bad one or one I've already seen.

This evening I want to watch a bond movie I've never seen before. You can only watch a movie once for the first time and it's something I will remember for a long time. So for some reason I try to prevent associating the feeling of having masturbated some time ago, not beeing as clean as I am, or whatever it is that makes me feel so weird, with the memory of watching the movie.

That's why I'm taking a bath later. If I don't I will postpone watching the movie. Postponing or replacing plans with something unmemorable isn't something I even have to think about anymore. I just do it subconsciously whenever I followed my urge. And when I relapse shortly after stepping out of the bath I feel kind of sad.

It has become part of me in all those years. I don't say to myself "what the heck? Just watch the goddamn movie" anymore.

I guess I have to add that having sex with a women I love doesn't lead to feeling this way. But (unplanned) one-night stands do.

The emotional connection is very important to me anyway, but because I get nothing out of one-night stands and relationships are much harder to find I don't have sex, or any intimacy at all, all that often. Which in itself is bad because not having had sex in over a year makes it even harder to say no to masturbation.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this...