letter wrote to my ex-wife soon after we split up, but never dropped in the mail.

A bond started in highschool when we were just sixteen. I asked you out on august 25, 2004 at 4:56pm and you said yes. We grew, we matured, we loved, and we lived. We got married 04/20/2009. We traveled, we loved, we moved. A new city and a new life, i didn't know we would turn out like this. I couldn't see it. maybe you did. You were cheating on me. It shattered everything i knew,trusted, lived for. Stolen from me when i caught you in his embrace. I wanted to fix things..You were that dear to me. You wouldn't respond to my cries for us. I moved away and tried to move on. I wrote this a month or so after we had been split up. I never sent it. Tatiana, i miss you so much. saying the words hasn't left my lips in a year and it burns. I Love you dearly.

Dear Tati,

Why do I want to write you? I don’t know. Maybe you will read this, maybe you won’t. You seem to have been annoyed by my efforts to reconnect to you. Just please read this and know that I am not trying to convince you of anything or whatever. I just want to write to you how I feel amongst other things.

I am sitting here thinking about everything we have gone through. And, frankly, it just was wonderful. You have shown me a lot of things in the world. The most important was love. The love I have for you. Unfaltering.

I can’t tell you how much I miss you. Even after everything. I just miss you. I miss everything about you. Even the things I hate, I miss it. Picking your nose, cut your nails and leave them anywhere. I miss it.

I am so hurt by everything. You really broke my heart. I know you “fell out of love” with me and I can understand how you could think that. But even when you told me that you were unsure when you would see me, that was just your heart telling you not to do this. I don’t know what they told you when you were looking for support, I’ll probably never know. I know it wasn’t the right thing for you to hear at that moment when your mind was very susceptible to any of the opinions or swaying that came at you. This was absolutely devastating to me, and even more devastating to learn you went into someone else’s arms so quickly. It makes me wonder how far this really went back. How far back did you start doubting your love for me?

I ask these questions but I don’t expect an answer, now or anytime soon. Maybe when you feel comfortable talking to me again. I know I won’t feel comfortable talking to you for a long time. Getting over you will be even harder.

I truly am sorry for anything that I or anyone else has said to offend you. I have taken care of it on my end and have made it very clear that no one is to say anything about you or us or our personal life. I don’t know how else I can express my regret for any hurtful things that may have come out of this.

I want to tell you some things. The times we have had and the intimate connections we have had were so good. I love you so much. I love your hair, your feet, your legs, your eye fat, the freckle on your cheek that’s close to your ear, the way your lips look when you sleep, how you snore (or breath loud) and everything in between. I wish we could have worked things out. I wish it didn’t go down the way it went. I wish…so much. I think about things that could have been fixed and so much could have. I wish you didn’t give up. I wish we could have tried. I wish we could have saw our 2 year. I wish it could have been different. ……….

Sometimes I think about our plans for life. I think about the children we spoke of. I think about the houses we dreamed of living in, the yard work to do together. The vacations we talked about, the quinces that we would have for our daughters. I know you still want all those things.

I don’t know how long it will take you to find yourself; I don’t know how long you will take for you to find your happiness. I don’t know even if you will think of me again. Maybe we just needed to be separated for a while, maybe we needed this divorce. Maybe you will be happy with someone else, maybe you won’t. There are so many possibilities for the future. I know one possibility that would be just fine with me. To have you back in our ‘perfect fit’ hug. You remember, right? We are the perfect size for each other. I would give anything to just have you give me a real hug again.

I can’t say if you will look back and wonder what could have been. I know for sure in my heart that everything would have turned out just the way we planned. I can’t say if you will regret your decision later, or not at all. What I can say is that you will always be so dear to my heart. You will always have a shoulder to cry on, a person to hear you out and understand and comfort you. You will always have a place in my heart. Will you build it up again? Who knows? One can only hope. You might read this and think not a chance. But who knows what the future has in store for you or me or us.

We really had something special. I know you know it.

We are separated by thousands of miles, and I try and try not to think of you, but I can’t. The fact is that I care for you deeply. I always will. I wish our spark could come back. I wish I could look in your eyes and see that love and you could look in my eyes and see how much I love you. Moving forward without you is going to be hard. But I am doing it. I catch myself wanting to call you and hear your voice and I just have to stop because I know you don’t want that right now, and it will make things harder.

I wanted to write you a love letter. One final letter for you to read when you were ready, but this isn’t turning out how I wanted. This really isn’t anything but my heart and mind being spilled on this page. I just want to talk to you, to sit with you, to just hold your hand.

I am not mad at you, nor could I ever hate you. Despite what you said one of the times we spoke, you are perfect. We have had this conversation before; I wouldn’t change anything about you.

Things are not in anyway how I imagined they would be. You wanna know something funny? I told you I was indifferent towards the city, well I actually sort of miss it now lol. Funny how that works. I wonder what you are thinking sometimes. I wonder what you are feeling. I wonder, just about you. I miss you. I miss you more than I can bare. I know I’ll have to move on. I know this is not the right time for us. I just can’t help it. I’ve dedicated myself to you since I have known you. It is hard to just quit. Maybe you know how to deal with this sort of pain better than I. I’ve never felt like this before.

I was looking at the full moon yesterday and hoped that maybe you were looking at that same moment. Remember how we would play werewolf. ☺

What else is there to say? I can write and write forever to you. I can write to you and spill my heart all over the paper. I can’t explain my feelings for you. If you do read this, and if you do feel comfortable enough to speak to me, or heck even write to me, as I have you, I would love to hear from you.

The fact is: I LOVE YOU. No matter what. I will love you always. Rain or shine, Anytime anywhere, I love you.

Sincerely and Forever Yours,

Joey “Gord” N.

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