To Punch or To Hug...

Hey you. It's been over a month since we talked, face to face. It's been over three weeks since I last texted you. Ran into you plenty of times, don't know why life decided that it was funny to test my sanity that way. Each time was painful and awkward as we both tried to ignore each other. I don't know, maybe you didn't have to try. Who the fuck knows. But I was always torn in between; punching you square in your guts or hugging you close and telling you that I considered you a friend still, despite the fact that you treated me like dirt. I've compiled a list to help me decide:

Reasons why I should render you childless with my karate kick:

• you were rude.

• i considered you a friend but i was clearly only your backup fuck

• you never apologized

• you are a liar; a great one nevertheless

• you see right through my insecurities, and exploit them

• you don't care about me

• you fucked me bareback. now i have to get tested.

• i always suspected you were also with other people, which you always denied, but my instincts are usually on point.

• the two times that we were knocking boots, i didn't sleep over and you let me leave!

• we never cuddled. not once.

• i fell for your stupid tricks.

• we went through days without talking.

Reasons why i want to hug you really close and apologize:

• in all fairness, i was probably overreacting and immature.

• i lied to you. sometimes.

• you always smelled really nice.

• i always had fun hanging out with you

• you were a good hookup.

• you were right, game of thrones really is a great show.

• looking back, i was selfish to you.

Well, can't think of anything else right now. And i see the Punch list are way longer, but i can't just punch you square in front of everyone. everyone at work is going to be puzzled. Hell, my best friend would be puzzled, and if he knows the reason why I acted like a fucking psycho he would beat you into a pulp, you know how big he is. I should've listened to him, you were a bad, bad mistake. He hated your guts from the very beginning we were hanging out. The only person who could knock some sense into me, and I didn't listen to him. He's quitting next year, so I don't know what I would do without him. Would quit, too probably.

posted this here so i wouldn't email you. i would unfriend you on facebook, but i just couldn't bring myself to do it. guess rejection really is foreign to me, or maybe my "feelings" weren't so casual after all. i doubt you care. i just thought it was cruel that we went from being friends to complete strangers. i may be immature, but i expected more from you, since you're older and all.

Yeah i'm an idiot. I should stop now.