taking advantage of alternate states of mind

I've been sick for the few days. It sucks.. you know? Being sick? I don't want antibiotics, so I just stay home and try to sleep. I have deadlines at work, I'm grumpy, I'm depressed, I'm hungry but can't swallow, can't hardly breathe. Boyfriend copes well. Brings me soup, brings me a book, wants to help. But I'm selfish and grumpy and sick so I don't want to let him help... I want to wallow in my misery, but I don't want him to know that I want to. He suggests I meditate, so I try, but I just..... can't..... concentrate..... We fight. I cry because of all the negative energy. I am ungrateful, unwilling to be.

He leaves. My throat is feeling better. I smoke. I make some tea. I try to remember what he told me yesterday. Something about reading Aldous Huxley, how he says when people are sick they take advantage to pay full attention to their Self. Oh... he really loves me. He's so giving, so willing to suffer for me. My parents, they were so willing to suffer for me. Anyone who's ever loved me has been so willing to suffer for me. The negative energy was MY energy. I'm living in fear because I love my self. I understand now, what love is, and how to demonstrate love to other people. I know what it means to change the world by changing myself. I think I found what I was looking for. The challenge now will be changing the way I live.

Love to all of you.