Such a mess.. What can I do?

I went to see a doctor about my depression on friday. I didn't want to, and because it wasn't my choice, I'm left in an extremely uncomfortable spot.

I had to go to get a letter for my university. They won't take my word that I'm in a bad way, but with a doctor's note they can offer mitigation, extend deadlines etc. I needed this.

But seeing the doctor, it was obvious that this letter was all I wanted and that I didn't want to actually do anything about the depression. And I don't. Up until recently, I've always just coped. Two weeks ago I got ill and it completely took me out, but that's passing, so I should get back to "normal".

I have to see the doctor again in a week to say whether I want to try medication or counseling. I want nothing to do with medication. The only pills I take are birth control and even that I wasn't keen on. Counseling I have tried multiple times over the past five years. One through school, who sent me to a doctor who referred me to a psychiatrist, one at college and one at university. Every time I've at least felt like I was brushed off or not taken seriously. Invariably I came out of the session feeling worse and eventually just stopped going (or in the case of the psychiatrist: lied so she would sign me off).

If I have to pick one, then it would obviously be counseling, but I don't know how I could do it. For uni I live in the arse end of nowhere. There isn't a shop for a two-mile radius (except uni campus) and I have no form of transport. I've been coming home every thursday (until sunday night) because my parents are so worried, but my timetable will change soon and I might not be able to come home at all. Even then, small village in the country, no transport.

The worst part is that since the appointment, I've been feeling a lot better. Pretty much normal. So it feels like I've just lied to everyone. Granted, I always feel worse at that damn isolated house, but I still feel like a fake.

I take it back, after spending an entire day trying to program the simplest exercises in Java and failing to accomplish anything. Not that it matters, since no one ever reads this shit.

I hate everything.