Depression, Rejection, Losing a best friend, and the Death of my Grandma, and the desire to die.

Long post, sorry. Some of it a rehash of what I have posted before. No TL;DR, too fucked to do that.

I am losing it. There is too much loss and pain, and stress. I feel so alone. And I am am alone. I fell in love with my bestfriend and roommate. But I ignored it, because she is asexual and told me she had no interest in being in a relationship. So I never told her how I felt.

Then, after moving in together (as friend, because, believe it or not, her friendship mean the world to me, which is why I never told her how i felt), we made a new friend and she and him got together. It hurt so much. So I told her how i felt, so she knew that I was going to be wierd for a bit while I came to terms with things. She still wanted to be friend, and to live together.

Then, the next weekend, after I came back from a trip to my hometown, she told me we can't be friend and she wanted me to move out. This devistated me, and I had made progress and was in a position to move forward and get things back to normal, until this happend.

Flash forward a few weeks. I still live in the appartment because I have no where else to go and moving (my therapist agreed) would fuck me up too much accademically. So the plan is to stay till the quarter is over. She still wants me gone and doesn't wnat to be friends. I lost the other few friend I had because of this (one is the guy she hooked up with, the other the guy that introduced her new boyfriend to the group, and the other a friend that I never really hung out with except when we all got together).

Over thanksgiving break, I went back to my hometown. I hate it there. I am not close to my family. But I went just to get away. I saw my great grandma who helped raise me and for 3 or 4 years before I moved to my new town, I lived with her. She was not in good shape.

Last night, my sister calls. My great grandma died. I freaked out. I can't handle all this shit. I cried, I yelled, I hit the wall, I cut myself (which I have done recently due to the other shit, but had stopped until now).

This morning, my (ex?)friend/roommmate's new bf was here. Then he left. I was crying, and freaking out. I called my schools psych line for help, because I had no one else. My roommate was here, but she just stayed in her room.

Then he came back. and I lost it. He has basically moved in, against my will. And I am so tired of him being here every night. I can hear them laughing and talking and shit. While I sit in my room alone, hurt, scared, crying. I lost it. Grabbed my keys and wallet (I hadn't eaten, hadn't gotten dressed, was in PJs) said something about never having any peace and about him always being there and I ran out and left.

That was about 8 am. I just got home about 30min ago. They are gone. I am alone. I want nothing more than for her to hold me and be there for me. To be my fucking friend. (I mean that, yes i have feelings for her, but I just want my best friend back). But instead I am here drinking already, having eaten anything since last night at 6pm. I know i should don't know if I can.

I don't know what to do. I want to hurt myself. I want to kill myself. But I know that will make it worse for everyone else, especially my family.