I need an escape...

WARNING: VERY VERY LONG

Well why don't I just tell my story, and see where that gets me? While in high school I was riding home from the bus, and this asshole is talking about my little sister (she is in middle school at the time) saying she jerked off this dude. I am going through a giant what the fuck moment in my head and tell him to fuck off repeatedly but he kept berating me, but he eventually backs off. Needless to say after this day I notice my little sister (lets call her Jess) getting more and more distant. This becomes a regular thing and my parents start having talks with her when I am not there. When I first see Jess's cuts, I confront my parents about this and they tell me the guy that my little sister had been rumored to have jerked off in the bathroom did something to her, we just didn't know what. Needless to say I did my best but I was never kept in the loop really. I just would find things out the day they happened. The list of things got pretty bad, random cops, cleaning bloody knives, walking in on random body checks, seeing her relapse suddenly, the list is endless. She had several boyfriends throughout that time period but I couldn't do much, I was kept out of the loop by everyone. The whole episode hit a low point with the last boyfriend she had during her cutting phase (which lasted 2-3 years and the effects still haunt her). I walked in on my mother rifling through my little sister's stuff and went about helping her (I knew enough at this time that is was probably a necessary routine to make sure my little sister wasn't hiding knives in her room) and I come across a bucket in the room. The bucket has rotting blood that my little sister had kept from several of her sessions. My mother confronts her about this but as always I don't get the results. Fun fact about new boyfriend, his father is a vet, and my parents find out that siphoning blood is Jess's new favorite sport (still don't know if it is related to the bucket as I never got the details). After a while she finally breaks up with him and starts getting better (still not good) and ends up with a new boyfriend. They end up having sex after a long time which I don't really care about but what bugs me is I was literally the last person to know. My family probably still does't understand how painful it was to find out after people came to me in the halls bragging about what hey know about my little sister. Every friend I had kept the secret well hidden from me my entire school knew. It was horrific to finally find out after so long it hurt. I kind of came to the conclusion that I couldn't trust anybody in my family, as they obviously didn't trust me.

The final straw comes much later though. I went to college following my girlfriend, and while I still do not regret coming to the college, I thoroughly regret my relationship with her. The relationship was nice until I couldn't afford dates anymore, and they became trips to each other's rooms. I had a talk and she refused to try to fix anything, just agreeing that we should break up. I have to state that the breakup was just as much my fault as it was hers. I wanted to have sex (still am a virgin) and I was getting really antsy about it as it was kind of hard to hold back (we had be dating for six months and we had gone quite far sexually) so I probably pushed a bit too much. Well a week before that she was confused about a friend who declared his love for my girlfriend and a month afterwards she was dating another guy (not the same one). I remember the Facebook comment "finally! you guys were flirting for the longest time". After wallowing for a while I kind of snapped, I went from goody two shoes to smoker and drinker in a month. While both are very much under control (I don't touch cigarettes and I drink slowly now) I definitely did a 180. Right now my grades in college are terrible as I have lost all drive for anything really. I can't really do anything I love anymore. I won't finish video games, I won't cook, I won't go out and enjoy a good cigar, anything unless someone else is doing it. I have lost all my sex drive and I am failing an easy-as-shit class because I don't care. As a sophomore in college this has to stop but I can't, I just can't care even when I want to.

While this is r/depression I am going to try to leave on a happy note, maybe I will make myself feel better. I still have great friends and I have a roommate setup for next year despite the fact I may not be in college next year. Also my distrust of my family has made me really good at reading and talking to people and while the purpose is more to keep people at arm's length it is nice that I don't really have anyone who hates me.

Anyways if you read the whole thing and you are here thank you for reading and sorry about the really long and probably annoying life story. I am just on the verge of planning my suicide and the story helped the immediate drive to kill myself, just not the want to. Hope all your days are well.