The Rainy day Rant of a skinny worker Ant.

So guys, I'm finally at my 90 day mark, feeling good. But I'm feeling a little too good I think..Almost to the point where I feel It wouldn't be the end of the world if I "rewarded" myself a little..

I don't want to use, especially being so close to the holidays, but I'm getting cravings again. Cravings much more powerful than I experienced during my first few weeks even. I've not been paying my phone bill, in order to avoid certain people, but I'm thinking of turning it back on so I can talk to someone I wouldn't mind talking to a little more. I would change my number if I did, but somehow I feel that wouldn't be enough because I memorize all my old hookups phone numbers.

I've recently hung out with an old buddy whom I used to use with heavily in the past. He's still using, I know, but he's got enough respect for me to not cause any temptation. With all this money I've been saving while not using it would be sooo easy to say, 'fuck it, i'll pick up just a few pills for today only', but I know it wouldn't be that easy come the next day. I know how my mind works too, and I know that I would be consumed with hellish guilt if I were to pick up.

I don't think I am going to use, I'm not worried about that, I will see my counselor tomorrow. What I'm worried about is how I'm going to handle these feelings come my 6 month mark, or my first year mark, or my 5 year mark. I've recently gotten myself into a situation that causes me more stress than It should. I'm wondering If I should even be letting this kind of emotional stress into my life, being so vulnerable and what not, but we all know the power of the opposite sex. ;) She doesn't make me want to use, in fact its quite the opposite. I'm a chain smoker and when she's around I can refrain from smoking for days if need be. Its just how I feel when I'm alone, thinking about stuff. It s all too easy for me to drive myself up a wall given a few hours to myself.

I miss my friends, but I know I cant see them. I just can't. So I guess I just needed to talk to someone about all of this. 'Cause sometimes the reality is just too much; that I am in this alone. Thanks for being there guys, I'll be back after work.