How do I shit all over the guy who stole my laptop?

First time poster, but here goes. Please help me shit on a dirty, n'er do well scoundrel of a rotten thief.

I was burgled for the 3rd time in 3 years a few months ago – this time my lovely macbook got nicked and so did my flatmate's computer.

I thought I was on to a winner when I found out a really nifty way of tracking my laptop using an online cloud storage account that I had (such as google drive, dropbox etc). I briefly outline this below. The question comes at the end.

— Basically, if you have an online dropbox account and you've downloaded the desktop version, then every time your laptop connects to the internet, your dropbox account logs the IP that the laptop is accessing the internet from. (Google drive and others do something similar).

— Once you note down the IP address, you can search for it on an online IP tracker which gets you extra info like the host-name and internet service provider that your thief is using to access the internet. Providing this info to the police makes it really simple for them to get a street address and bust some doors down to recover your stolen laptop.

I gave the police the IP address and hostname/isp that the person who nicked my laptop was using to access the internet. They were so slow to respond to this information (over 2 weeks) that every time they got round to checking out an address, the laptop had moved. This happened three times before finally my laptop went under the radar and no new ip addresses were logged for weeks.

Now, months later, my laptop has just turned up in bloody Tunisia! I'm in the UK, so this was a bit of a nasty shock.

Basically, there was a lot of sensitive stuff on there — all my photographs, emails, and all that jazz. In all honesty, I'm more upset about strangers perving all over my life than I am about the laptop. The fact that they haven't wiped the hard-disk (as evidenced by the fact that my dropbox files are all still there, and the ip is still getting logged), is particularly disturbing. However — that gives us a way in, and this is where you might help me, O internet brethren.

I've given up the hope that I'll ever see my lovely laptop again. However, there must be a way — some glorious way — of shitting all over the guy who stole my Macbook.

Is there any way I can set up an executable file to run on my old laptop through my still active dropbox account— that way I can wipe my hard drive with all my files, photos, emails, uni documents... that the scoundrel hasn't had the decency to wipe from their ill-gotten laptop.

I'm no computer whiz (as evidenced by my choice of a macbook)... but I know there's a script editor built in to OSX, and that might be a way of getting back at the culprit.

TL;DR: someone stole my Macbook, I'm tracking the IP they're using to access the internet by using my dropbox account, how do I wipe my hard drive remotely, perhaps using the script editor.

Hope you can help!